I think a lot of my posts have less to do with poly in particular and more to do with me and my life, its rhythms and discoveries and dramas. So...I'm deciding that that's okay.
A few weeks ago, I did find a book I was looking for at a used bookstore *joy!*, "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Lemme just say, great book! Usually when I get a book, I thumb through the contents and then flip through the parts of it that draw or intrigue me most. Well, the whole book is sucking me in, but initially and now, Chapter 6 is speaking to me.. . . . . . . .
Yesterday wasn't the most fun of days. I'd had a girlfriend (not sexual) here for the weekend from home, a beautiful artist with her own fucked-upness similar to mine, and we had great times - including jazz at a spanish restaurant downtown until late, then coming back to my place for red wine and olives and hummus in the livingroom floor til past 2am, talking, relating, laughing, and letting the good energy run both ways up & down our connection. Anyway, she was here most of the weekend until she left yesterday morning to go back home. Although I like and make my solitude, it was good to share and I found my little nest feeling empty later that afternoon. Seeing her car pull away down my drive brought back memories of the last familiar vehicle to do the same - Z's pickup - as I stood there wondering when or if we'd ever be that close again. Bittersweet...brought tears up from my heart to my eyes that stung a little.
Like I said in my last post, I know my hormones are kicking and my cycle is about to start. The signs were all there yesterday, including a more negative outlook, a want to hunker down and isolate in my nest with a bowl of soup and just sleep and be held, etc...all that non-energetic and mostly less than positive stuff.
I nestled myself into bed earlier than usual and just stayed up writing and reading; getting all kinds of things out and putting positive and good things in as much as I could. I reached out to a couple of supportive friends over the phone, and just hearing their voices soothed me some. I fell asleep relatively early, but I slept hard for probably 11 hours - good, deep, restful sleep - and apparently I needed it after having three long days & late nights of fun with PoetGirl. I woke up this morning feeling much more solid, refreshed, on-track, positive, and self-assured than I'd felt in days.
I made my coffee and sat down at my desk with my journal and the "Feel The Fear" book, already having made and mentally arranged my to-do list for the day. Chapter 6....it was talking to me. I reread, then I began journalling, sure of some things.
Here are some quotes/passages that stuck out to me:
"One of the reasons we react so hostilely when others don't support us is our need for approval. Whenever we get upset at the comments of loved ones, it is a clue that we are still acting like a child
. Guilt is another clue. Guilt and hostility often mask our anger at ourselves and others for our not being able to break unhealthy ties with loved ones."
Okay, that's me. I needed Z's approval to move in about any direction. I needed J's before that. I look for the approval of friends, authority figures, my father, even acquaintances. I've been guilty of wanting other people to show me what/who they want me to be so that I can play that role, hopefully (subconsciously?) in exchange for their willingness to become who/what or take on the role/s that I need them to take on reciprocally.
"Your need to please shows you what you have to work on - and that is: letting go emotionally of the role of child and stepping into the role of adult.
As difficult as it can be, cutting childlike relationships with others and substituting more responsible ones allow you to act much more lovingly toward other people in your life. It is a paradox: The less you need someone's approval, the more you are able to love them
"Saying goodbye to the old (childish) relationship usually requires that we go through grief until the old door is closed and the new one is opened. We are, in effect, grieving for the end of an era. The emerging era, however, brings much more satisfaction with it."
"Usually inner strength is respected - we get back what we put out.
"The most important thing is for you to be your own best friend. Whatever you are doing - don't put yourself down. Slowly begin to discover which, for you, is the path of the heart. Which path in life will make you grow? That is the path to take.
I re-read this whole chapter and wrote out some of the feelings and realizations it was bringing up in me, things that have been keeping me stuck for longer than just the length of this
particular relationship. For, like...decades. I'm early thirties, and so many of my decisions have been made by the small-child side of me who still fears lack of love and still values survival above all else, thinking she has to stay in control to do so. Not true anymore, kiddo. And someone needs to show you that, prove it to you. Show you good
so you quit worrying about it and trying to step in and do that. Me *hand up*, I gotta be that someone.
After that and a little more reflection and resolution, I went on about my day, and it went very, very well. Got some work done (which, once I emailed the finished results to them, my co-workers wound up loving - one of the big projects is well on its way to being done as a result of our group efforts), went into town and had a beer and a good meal, met a couple of real cool people there (whom I might meet up with for music tomorrow night at a place I haven't tried yet), and grabbed toilet paper on the way out of town back to my little cabin. Made a couple of phone calls from just a ways up my mountain (for good phone reception) to connect with loved ones as the sun was setting down past the walls of the canyon I presently claim, and came indoors for the evening to light some incense and write this. Chill out before bed.
Feel like I lived wide-open today, as PoetGirl told me.
I've decided to think about staying through the summer and fall here in this enchanting little place, instead of just through early summer, per the original plan.
Felt very good. I aim to make tomorrow good as well.