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Old 05-05-2014, 07:24 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2,477

Ugh. My period is here and I am feeling very blah and unattractive. It doesn't help that I cut myself shaving in a private area - my taint - and the scratch will NOT heal. Every time I poo, it stretches and hurts. Fuck. It makes anal sex impossible, and regular sex somewhat hurty.

I struggle with PMS right before my period - I get irrational and pissy, but also emotional and anxious. This month it seems to be much worse, and I think it has to do with my Invisalign. To have this annoying pressure in the background of my life is adding to the stress. I have been down and unhappy for most of the weekend.

Oh, and my van is out of commission, so I am dependent on others to haul me around - and I'm an extrovert! I can't stand being cooped up in my house. I haven't been out at all in the evenings. It's fun playing board games and such, but I REALLY need to get the fuck out before I go crazy. Grocery shopping and a trip to the post office does not count. Unfortunately, it is going to be Thursday when I get my vehicle back. It got dropped off today, but it turns out that the radiator was damaged, and it is now going to cost close to $1000 to get everything fixed. I only budgeted $450, so I have to wait until DarkKnight gets paid to go retrieve my van. It sucks having to wait, but I'm broke, so oh well.

So yeah, that stress is on me too.

PLUS I made a deposit last week at my bank, and they put it in the wrong account. Thankfully nothing bounced, but I had to make a trip there this morning so my rent check didn't get messed up. I was freaking out about that quite a bit, even though there was ultimately no harm done. Finances are super tight this month now though, with the van costing twice as much as anticipated, and it being the month to renew my vehicle registration ($200) and it being the month to pay for DarkKnight's life insurance ($300) and the water bill is due ($280). All these extras are making me broke.

On top of that, PunkRockAwesomesauce's brother is here. He has actually been a great guest, very polite and helpful around the house. Still, I will be glad when I have my life back, you know what I mean? Things are fine, but it's more stress having another person around.

PunkRock left to return home today for some much needed downtime. With his brother staying in his bedroom, he couldn't do anymore unpacking or prep work, and he has a lack of a location to retreat to in this full house. He's introverted, so he needs a space. I don't blame him for fleeing. Well, plus his brother's bird needs attention and fed, and he needs to pack up more of his stuff to bring over here. Sigh. I miss him already.

The shit is that he messaged me after he left this morning, saying that the one chick that had contacted him earlier this year looking for a hookup was going to be his lunch date today. Totally platonic, he says. Still, not at all what I needed to have in my head on top of everything else. I told him it didn't make me feel too settled. He typed reassurances, but really, I did not need this complication right now. PunkRock says he is just meeting with her "to get it over with" and that he only wants to be with me.

Honestly, the whole situation makes me want to puke. I feel unsettled, unhappy and out of sorts. Now I feel threatened, less than and not enough. Very unpoly thoughts. I am being irrational, so I am shutting the fuck up, but I do not feel good about much today and having to think about a new arm in our V possibly appearing when I am least equipped to deal with it is not what I want to be doing.

Do I believe PunkRock when he says he loves me? Yes
Do I believe he is interested in this woman? Not really.
Do I think this woman will turn us into an N-configuration? No

But yet anxious, hormonal me is focusing on worst case scenario, and it isn't helping me recharge and renew at all.

Actually, one thing that is also causing mixed emotions is that today is the last day of the chemistry class I've been teaching all year. The kids are all so great - I am really going to miss teaching and guiding them. I will see them all over the place, since they all participate in other activities with my daughter, but it makes me sad that my science course is over. That said, I am SOOOO glad to have the pressure of planning and conducting 3 classes every week FINISHED. W00t!

I just packed up my cabinet and put all the materials and glassware into a rubbermaid tote. Yay! Now however, I'm at a loose end. I don't have anything planned tonight since I have no car and I'm looking at a long evening in my house again. I should sweep and swiffer my downstairs floors but I am not wanting to do anything like housework. Instead, I am going to go upstairs and paint my toenails. I usually do that as a stress-reliever, and I certainly need an outlet of some sort.

Just as a tag, I am listening to two songs today on repeat - "Pompeii" by Bastille and "One Minute More" by Capital Cities. Trying to boost my mood!
A modern day polyamorous polygamist My Online Journal

Me, center of a MFM V-shaped polycule (40F)
Wife to DarkKnight (41M) & PunkRockAwesomesauce (44M)
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