I just started a post and nixed it. Saved it elsewhere for later.
I'm not the best at making my thoughts flow verbally. Will work some on that. Blogs are always more inviting and easier to read when you can understand what the blogger is trying to communicate.
Z and I split. About three weeks ago, right before I headed home for a few days of business & visits with friends. Things were very rough and sad at first. By now they have evened out a little. We obviously haven't seen each other much in nearly two months, so we've both had time to disentangle a little and figure out what some of the next steps were in our separate lives...we just weren't for sure that we were going to lead such separate lives until the decision was made those weeks ago.
Technically, I was the one who called it off. I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with being in a poly relationship with me and J, my ex. Too much animosity between them, too much old shit and dirty water under the bridge. He'd told me before he wouldn't "play second fiddle" to J. I got the point.
I still wanted a relationship with J. Still had feelings and very much wanted to act on them, sexually and otherwise. Something had to give, I had to choose, even though I HATE making choices like that. Something I want very much vs. something else I want very much for/in similar but different reasons/ways? Yeah. Not good at that.
So, that's that. I miss Z a LOT sometimes - especially any time I head out to do something fun, I really feel the absence of that guy. He'd been my closest friend and partner, in love and crime and fun and both low & high times, and everything else, for nearly four years now. Detangling and detaching is a longish process for me, and I probably never do it completely. I'm okay, but it'll be a while before it's not weird between us or hard for me. Can't speak for him but I think he's doing well, for which I'm honestly glad. I don't want to know too much or think about too much right now. I get lost in that shit and then I'm crying.
We still talk (text) every couple of days. It's okay. Sometimes it gets weird. It's pretty superficial...he assumes more than he knows about how I feel and what I'm doing (apparently that's been the case the whole time), and I refuse to talk about things as long as he's laying what I feel are minefield assumptions. We both saw what we wanted to see in/about the relationship and possibilities for it. He deals with this stuff differently than I do. He's always enjoyed debating and arguing.
I don't need to take any bait. I don't need to own anyone else's anything right now. Yup, I fucked up some in our relationship. Maybe I should never have given this one a chance, based on my initial feelings. But from that chance grew some really good stuff, IMO. Some things I loved and wanted to preserve. I've fucked some stuff up in every relationship I've ever been in. He's no different. We see it all through different lenses. We DO see what we want to see.
I can flagellate myself for the things I feel I did wrong and wallow in the sad thoughts and memories and then kick myself more for the things I think he feels I did wrong. Or I can own what I did and go on living my life. Try to always learn from my up-fuckings and keep going.
More steps in the directions I want to go in my short life.
Spent some time with J after all that, when I was home, and talked some about how we each felt for each other at this point. Know I need some time to orient and get more solid. Not jump into something or deceive him, myself, or someone else out of reaction to my sadness or loneliness when either creeps up and tries to swallow me.
I'm okay. Appreciative. Trying to meditate regularly - can't tell you how much the monkey mind has helped me get where I find myself now =/ - and keep my mind clear, focus on things and mindsets that will bring positive things to me and those in my life. Difficult to control that ol' mind.
Hoping the best for Z. Time to focus on the rest of what's right in front of me, all the things that that contains.
Here's to everyone having a good week. *clink*