Originally Posted by YouAreHere
I don't have much to add that other folks haven't already said, but I feel you here. You know time is my big bugaboo (well, one of them, but generally the more meatier of all the bugaboos), and I still wrestle with the head versus heart thing ("Of course he needs time to do x/y/z" versus "Why is he choosing to spend MORE time away from me?!").
For my particular issue, we just need to keep addressing it (I don't ask, nor do I want Chops to not go out - I want to deal with it when he does, and see if it gets more tolerable, or if it's something we need to change, or adjust), and I guess finding the little things (e.g., Ginger not giving you all the details of his other relationships) that help make it easier, despite your head telling you that it "should" be one way or another.
Heck, PM me (we're not all THAT far apart, geographically, I don't think) if you want to just get together over coffee (or even just virtually) and vent, if you just need to blow some steam. Sometimes, just carping about the stuff you're feeling lets it get acknowledged, felt, and able to be put aside for a bit.
Thanks so much, YouAreHere! I might just take you up on that. Perhaps you live in or near Nashua... I lived in Lowell til I moved down near Rt 9 a year ago.
I've updated on my recent feelings in my blog. As I wrote that, I thought, I need to get away from feeling detached from him. I am not going to let myself start to close off from him. I tend too often, to cut people out of my life when they've hurt me. I think he's worth the effort.
So, 2 nights ago, he was free and I had him come over just to talk. No sex. He arrived at 6:30 and we talked til 1AM. miss pixi offered to mediate, and we agreed she'd let Ginger and me talk for a while, and then come in after our initial vents.
It was a marathon communication session and I still am confused on some points. But I do feel I learned a lot about his motivations and desires around dating, and Carla specifically. I also made it quite clear it was a douche move (w/o using that term) to not tell me they'd had their first date until after we'd been together twice. He admitted he should've told me the following day, not 3 days later. But he wanted at least one peaceful date with me, with no talk of her, no angst.
He said he was too mad at me the day of their date to tell me, as they made their plans kind of last minute and he didn't want to tell me and have to have a discussion around it just before her arrival. miss p pointed out that if he and I were so upset with each other, maybe he shouldn't have met her at all that day?
But, what's done is done. They walked, they talked, they kept their clothes on, they made out a while. They felt that "spark," and want to move forward.
I found out that the guy she had the hots for last year... they never even got to a first date. The other guy couldn't hack it. Maybe David was freaking out too much.
Speaking of David, the morning after our talking marathon, he messaged Ginger, saying he wanted to come see him. He assured Ginger he wasn't coming over to beat him up! I guess he wanted to make sure Ginger's intentions were honorable. According to Ginger, their hour long meet went well, and he even told David about what I'd said, that it can take years for a formerly mono couple to really get OK with being open, especially if one of the partners is mono. I always feel Carla is pushing David to hurry up and get OK with all this!
Ginger being Aspie is making this harder... he just doesn't easily empathize with others' emotions. That night of our talk, I was so upset. And sometimes he'd laugh, scoffingly, at my upset. That hurt and I told him to stop it.
One more point to this novella: I realized at some point yesterday that I feel like a disappointed newlywed. I plan to never marry again, but moving into a house with miss pixi Mayday 2013 felt like marriage in a way, a commitment. And I reminded Ginger how he continually encouraged us to move to his town, or as close as we could. We looked all over between Boston and Worcester, and anytime a house was 10 miles or more away, he'd complain-- too far! Oddly he tried to deny he'd done this until I reminded him of example after example.
So, miss pixi and I didn't move in with Ginger, but we got as close as we could. We committed to that. And as soon as we did, he was off and running, pursuing half a dozen other people... sigh... Coulda waited til the honeymoon was over, couldn't he? I feel so domestic and "nesty" right now, as miss p and I settle in, decorate, enjoy our new more countrified environment, gardening, grilling on our deck, all that. And Ginger is seeming all wild and slutty and off in his own world.
Funnily, he kept getting all insulted when I talked about his strong sex drive. miss p and I claim the word slut, but he kept being insulted when I told him he was slutty like me. I guess, as a man, he doesn't want to seem creepily overly focused on sex. But we both told him he just exudes sex. Women fall at his feet. Then he said sex is only 10% of what he is looking for in relationships, and in fact, he could have a close romantic relationship with no sex at all. I said, "Perfect! Why don't you just not have sex with Carla at all, and save me this pain?" The look on his face was priceless, like a baby who'd just had their bottle of milk yanked from their mouth. LOL. I said, "Ginger, don't try to kid a kidder. I know you're just as much of a horndog as I am. I know you!"