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Old 05-02-2014, 01:37 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida, USA
Posts: 457

Sounds like you're hoping to keep both these men as "primary" or life-partners, and have them both stay monogamous to you. From what I read of your posts so far, this seems unrealistic. Michael won't have you as a primary, first of all, because of your ethnicity. Secondly, both men are resistant to the idea of sharing, and I imagine two people sharing one life-partner would need to develop some level of cooperation and goodwill, and these guys aren't anywhere near there yet. I don't speak from experience here, though. Others on this forum with two primaries can advise you better.

I know you say you can't handle either man having other partners, but realistically, how long do you think they'll be ok with that? I think you if you want to keep these guys in your life long-term, you're going to have to compromise. You're going to have to deal with your feelings of jealousy, fear, and discomfort with nonconformity, just like you're asking the men to deal with theirs.

I wonder if focusing on Jason as your primary partner, and Michael as a secondary would work. Michael could then try to find a poly-friendly life-partner of his own ethnicity. This would satisfy his needs, and keep him in your life and occasionally in your bed. You might have to give up some of the time/energy he spends with you, but it's better than nothing.

What Michael seems to want is a DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) arrangement. This is a controversial practice in the polyamorous community, and seems to be something couples do when newly opened, if one or both member are still insecure. I can speak from experience, here, as I am in a DADT agreement with my husband (I, on the other hand, want to know if he's with someone else.) Hubby knows that sometimes when I'm not with him, I'm with another lover, but he doesn't want to hear about it, doesn't want to meet them, wants me to keep it utterly separate from our life together. I've been doing this for a year and a half, and my experience so far is that it takes a little compartmentalizing and good time-management skills, but that it works fine for casual relationships. But I can see how if someone comes along that I want to integrate deeply in to my life, I will be unable to keep worlds from colliding and will have to repeal DADT. DADT lets someone get used to the idea on his own terms and in his own time without having to constantly deal with new information. I "check in" with hubby every few weeks to see if he's ready for more openness, and to remind him that I want to work towards that.

You don't have to go straight from monogamy to relationship anarchy. It's ok for you guys to set whatever rules keep everyone comfortable, but keep in mind rules/needs may change over time. For this to work without you all losing your minds, you'll have to rethink some of your monogamous programming. Keep us updated, I'm following your story with interest.
Female, bi-amorous, mid 40's
on the spectrum between poly-amorous and monogam-ish

girlfriend Melinda, lesbian, early 30's

Last edited by LoveBunny; 05-02-2014 at 01:51 PM.
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