Ah... I was under the impression that both men had said they weren't willing to talk with you about the situation. I'm glad to hear I misinterpreted what you were saying.
I'll agree to disagree with you about happiness being a compromise. I don't believe anyone's happiness should ever be something they have to give up or put aside as long as they aren't hurting others to gain it, but I realize not everyone feels that way.
People don't *have to* do anything in a poly situation, but sorting out *your* rules, comfort zone, etc. goes a whole lot easier if you're able to talk about it with the other people involved. Communication isn't a rule so much as a component of making a relationship work, and that applies whether it's a mono or poly relationship, in my opinion.
Short answer: You aren't crazy. Poly is more common than some people realize. But whether your *particular* situation can work is something only you and the other people involved can determine.
Me: 45, female, poly
Hubby: my husband, male, 43, monogamous
My offspring: Alt, 20, agender; Country, 17, female
Woody: 50, male, boyfriend/Dom
Bouncer: 48, male, FWB
Best Friend, Techie, Flip, Guy: all male, my close friends
Hair: 20, male, Woody's son
Doll and Mouse: female, ages unknown, my friends, Woody & Hair's housemates
Highlight and Lips: 32 & 33, female & male, Woody's OSO & her husband