Yeah, all right GG, maybe telling me during afterglow wasn't ideal. He and I talked online more this morning, and I felt able to tell him about my disconnected feelings towards him last night, in an ironically romantic atmosphere of fire, music and cuddling.
My ex husband's gf was petite and dark haired like Carla, also a granola girl and a massage therapist. I know I am totally triggered back to that dark time, when I nearly died from submitting, from feeling nullified by his love for her, becoming so depressed I needed therapy and Zoloft.
This is now 15 years past that time. I recovered, I made changes, I got divorced, I got my own apartment for the first time in my life, I fell in love with miss pixi, I dated many others, I had fun, I grew, I became reborn.
I moved in with miss p, to a house nearer to Ginger. Then, Ginger started power dating and now has this click with Carla, this click of "this is the real thing."
Despite all my growth and learning and strength, I am worn down by a bad back, floods, and disappointment at this need of Ginger's for a 4th partner. And now he's all in NRE, and I am thrown back to the dark place of 15 years ago. Not quite to that depth of despair! He's much more communicative than my ex, and I've got the support of miss p, and the people here. I am not breaking up a home, impacting my children's lives, this time. I just don't know what I need, from Ginger, or from myself, or how much of it I need, to feel safe and valued again.
5 love languages:
He brought me plants from his garden. GIFTS
He tells me he loves me more now. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
He helps me in my garden and around the house. SERVICE
He sexes me up and cuddles me too. TOUCH
He focuses on me when he's with me. QUALITY TIME
What more could I need? Time? Is that all it will take? Just getting used to this?
But then again, time will probably lead to Ginger and Carla becoming closer and closer! I fear that as well. I don't WANT to have to hear about their growing love. Shit. I don't care! It doesn't bring me joy. I don't feel compersion. It just makes me sick.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-30-2014 at 03:15 PM.