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Old 04-30-2014, 03:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,919

I'm sorry you struggle.

I mean all this kindly, ok?

Does anyone know what I should do?
Could be more clear. Could dump the word "should" from your vocab and replace it with "could" so you can think to yourself -- "what are the things I could do here?" And learn to take more responsibility over your own life that way. "Here are options I could do -- now here's the one I choose to try. "

I enjoy some of the more romantic aspects with them, but when sex comes up, I try to avoid penetration other than with my husband.
This is your preference. Could state that clearly and up front. You are allowed to have your own preferences.

What is your preference? An emotional (but not sexual) quad? Emotional + some cuddles quad? Or no quad at all? Something else?

Where is your boundary? Are you keeping to it or trespassing it?

It's awkward and I've been coming up with bad excuses as to why I don't want to have sex that night and I just let them go at it.
So how's that worked for you? Sounds like "not great" since you feel yucky.

How about NOT avoiding stating your preferences clearly? NOT making excuses for not having sex? Just stating your preference.
  • If you want to share sex as a group, do. And state your PIV boundary up front.
  • If you do not not want to share sex as a group, don't. And state it up front -- don't want to. Not excuses like your head hurts or whatever. Just plain ol' don't wanna! You are allowed to say that! Your body is yours. You share it or don't share it in sex share how YOU want, when YOU want.

It's awkward and I feel uncomfortable and jealous when I shouldn't because I'm saying it's okay to do it.
You have that backward. Like your feelings are broken. Your feelings work fine -- it is your (saying less than honest words) behavior that is broken.

You feel uncomfortable.
  • So don't have group sex if you don't want to.
  • So don't have sex with the BF person if you don't want to (even singles, not just group)
  • So don't be saying you are ok with them having group sex without you when you actually are NOT ok with it.

When you say to go ahead to avoid having to speak up? You are free to choose, but you are not free from consequences of your choices. You choose to be less than honest? And they move on without you thinking it is ok? Then you then feel "left out jealousy" and upset because none of them is tending to your needs. (And neither are you.)

They cannot be mind readers. You actually have to speak up. You could say your actual preferences/feelings from the start. That might feel awkward/yucky too at first, but at least it is in line with your spirit and not you grinding against your own grain. It is honest.

To me? Your feelings sound like they work just fine. Some are yummy to feel and some are yucky to feel. The yucky ones usually come up when your behavior has been poor. Right now, not being truthful is NOT serving you well. Your feelings verify it.

Hell, if this was just a romantic relationship, I would love it, but like this, not so much. I don't mean to offend anyone that is sexually poly, that's totally your thing, I just don't feel comfortable with it for my sex life... anyway.
Then do not participate in things you really do not want to participate in. It grinds against your own grain and hurts your spirit.

Again, be more clear. Be more true to yourself. You have every right to have YOUR sex life be how YOU like it.

I know my husband's starting to notice because he keeps asking what's wrong and said that I keep closing off and not talking and I feel bad about doing it.
Then speak up and answer the man.
  • If you need space, SAY so. " I need space right now, I'm not up for talking."
  • If you ready to talk now, make an appointment with him to TALK.

Then you don't have to feel bad about closing off.

Take time to organize thoughts if you need to. But I do suggest you talk this out and not avoid it forever. Speak your truth if even at a whisper. Or type it in a letter. Then you can start to heal.

but I still feel guilty and I can't bring myself to speak up.
You can tell them that you are pregnant now, or your changing body will tell for you.

What's the guilt about? That you are also pregnant at the same time she is? That you stole her thunder somehow from her life and her life things by having your OWN life and OWN life things happening in it? You are allowed to live your life. And have life things happening in it.

Could you be willing to clarify what the guilt is from? Are you busy beating yourself up in your head like you are "less than?"

I feel so small and insignificant, but it still doesn't feel right to bring it up.
To me it seems like you are connecting things that don't need to connect and expressing emotions all muddled up.

I would put it as two separate sentences.
  • I feel so small and insignificant.
  • I don't feel comfortable bringing it up.

That's internal conflict.

That smallness? It doesn't sound like you trust yourself to take best care of you.
  • You don't trust yourself to NOT get yourself into things you don't really want to be doing.
  • You don't trust yourself to speak up for you when things bother you from the get go.

And you are right not to trust you if those are the behaviors you currently do. It is not self-respecting behavior to go against your own grain.

I don't think you can stop feeling "small" until you decide to take better care of you and start meeting some of your own needs. It is not "selfish" to meet some of your own needs to that you can function in a healthy way. It is necessary. Just like in a plane you have to put your OWN oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else. It's not selfish to get your own air on first.

That discomfort? I don't think you can stop feeling "uncomfortable" about having hard conversations until you start to DO IT and learn that you CAN indeed handle it. Confidence is grown by doing, not by shrinking away from it. Then you become skilled at it and it isn't hard any more.

I hope you can start to do that more for you -- taking better care of you by choosing to give yourself permission to speak your truth. And in the doing so, grow your confidence in doing it.

Hang in there!

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-30-2014 at 03:44 PM.
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