I needed to go get miss pixi from her train. Ginger left then too. I felt depressed, closed down, jaded and again, that slight disgust and bitterness that draws down the corners of my mouth.
I went to bed rather early after having a late dinner and chat with miss p about Ginger's revelation.
This morning, he said hi on chat and I told him about my emotions. He is sorry for my suffering, lack of trust, feelings of lesser intimacy. In the course of the conversation he said:
"There have been a very few times in my life when I have gotten to know someone and they just seemed to click with me in a special way. R (his wife) was the first. You were the second.
It is very early and all kinds of things may happen but you may be sensing that I think Carla might be the third.
My my, did I actually say that?"
him: "I'm not sure it was quite that clear in my mind until just now. Or it may just be NRE ..."
So, there we go. He tried some more to reassure me of his love for me, his pain at seeing my suffering, acknowledgment of how the slow pace necessitated by Carla's h is possibly increasing his ardor for her, etc etc.
I do not fear losing him over her. I feel oddly competitive, since she is so much like a 15 years younger version of myself, a stay at home mom of 3, a pagan, a dancer, creative and smart. Of course, I said, she is not my clone. She has qualities that make us different.
miss p gets such different things from her 2 current OSOs, than I can offer. Ginger however, seems to get much of the same things I offer, from his new "love." sigh...
I feel so insecure and whiny and that makes me feel ugly and undesirable.
I seem to have large issues with trusting men!
Ginger wonders how we can get my heart to feel better around this, to get in line with the simple poly principles my head understands and endorses.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-30-2014 at 01:48 PM.