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Old 04-29-2014, 02:43 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BDaemon View Post
I was the secret and he is married. We didn't get too far into things before we agreed we had to back off in order to figure out how we can go forward and it NOT have to be a secret (something I'd wanted from the start because I honestly like his wife and want them to be able to stay married). However the problem lies in how to broach the subject, when the two of us are completely new to the idea of a poly situation and have no idea how to even approach his wife that won't ruin things for them . . . when you've found someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with....what approach is actually the "right" one?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
I'm sorry but if you seriously want to know which approach is the right one, I would say that the right thing to do is to leave well alone and stop kidding yourself. If he is married and he is still with his wife, he is there because that's where he chooses to be. If he is seeing you without her knowledge he is cheating on the person that he chose to marry. He may honestly think he loves you, but even so if he is prepared to treat his wife like that, sooner or later he will treat you like that too. If he wants to open up his relationship this is not the way to do it . . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by BDaemon View Post
There is a lot more to my situation (and I lot less than you probably think as well), but I guess it makes no difference. Sorry to ask.
Oh, so you only want answers that tell you what you want to hear instead of actual constructive feedback? You want us to say that lying and cheating behind a spouse's back is all puppies, cupcakes, and rainbows, and yes, it can lead to happy poly? You want us to tell you to go and confront his wife and tell her you're in loooooove with her husband, so she should "please open up your marriage so we can be together?" You want us to paint a picture of a happy ending when that is very unlikely? Ain't gonna happen. Let us know when you're ready to face reality.

Did you read my previous post in this thread? When a couple considers opening up from monogamy to polyamory, it could take years of deep discussion and therapy and wrestling with painful issues before they are both ready for poly - and there is no guarantee that will ever happen. They might renew their commitment to a monogamous marriage or split up altogether, and you don't want to be involved with a brokenhearted man who has lost everything.

No matter how much "more" there is to the situation, as you see it, you are deluding yourself to think that you have to make it happen. You have been playing with fire and you think no one will get burned. You've put this man in a situation where he is forced to lie to someone he loves. Do you think she will accept that betrayal and say, "Oh, poly? Okay, hon, go for it!" There is no reason to be so selfish.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-29-2014 at 03:00 AM.
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