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Old 04-27-2014, 08:14 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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After everything that's happened, it sounds like you're feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I don't follow the blogs so I'm not up on all the details, but in this thread I've read about some fairly major life changes and distressing events with your home. Those kinds of things are enough to put anyone off their game.

It sounds like you're really needing some self-care. I get the impression that a lot of your pain comes from the stories you're telling yourself. Change the stories and you change the feelings.

Personally, I define polysaturation from a "me" point of view. I'm polysaturated when I feel like I can't keep up with everyone, when I feel like I'm not meeting people's needs as much as I'd like to. Not necessarily when I'm not meeting people's needs as much as they'd like me to. Meeting their needs is a choice that I make, not a responsibility. Because fulfilling life and meeting needs brings me a sense of purpose and joy, it's a choice I readily make -- but I recognize it as a conscious choice, not my duty or obligation. Conversely, I accept it as a choice from others, and not a duty or obligation. Gifts given from a sense of obligation are no gifts at all.

All you can really do is express your needs and make requests to have those needs met in a particular way. It's up to him to choose his behaviour and to choose whether or not to grant those requests and meet those needs in that way. Perhaps in talking, you can find a different strategy to meet your needs. However, it's not clear to me what needs you have that aren't being met. You mentioned going through the NVC inventory together -- what did you come up with? My guess would be things under the connection and meaning categories (compassion, to matter, stability) -- does that fit?

When I look at my own needs as being my responsibility to fulfill, it changes my expectations of other people. I offer my needs as a gift, but if someone chooses not to receive them, then I take them back and find a different way to meet them, or maybe I let go of the attachment of having them met. At the end of the day, my needs are my own and nobody else's. As with anything else that I own, it is my responsibility to care for them, and nobody else's. If someone else chooses to care for my needs, then that's fantastic and we can have a great connection and offer more needs-gifts back and forth. If not, I accept that as a limitation of the relationship. If I can't live with that limitation, I look for a relationship that will offer that connection I seek.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
What should I do? I feel like I am at the mercy of his desires for her, and her husband's issues. My needs, desires and issues? Overlooked.
You're only at their mercy if you choose to give them that power over your emotions. You can choose to take back your power and let them do their thing, and interact only in ways that are healthy for you. It may mean that the depth of your relationship with Ginger changes, but I believe that no particular relationship is ever as important as taking care of your own self and being authentic.
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-27-2014 at 09:03 AM.
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