Originally Posted by Magdlyn
He has Apserger's syndrome, and its hard bridging that gap sometimes.
What should I do? I feel like I am at the mercy of his desires for her, and her husband's issues. My needs, desires and issues? Overlooked.
Well, if he's diagnosed Asperger's, there's some definite possible issues. By definition, they cannot feel empathy. He cannot put himself in your shoes emotionally They do not generally do well with suggestions or hints, and while no one is a mind-reader, Aspie folks are even less so. They usually have difficulties with facial expressions, body language, tonal implications, etc. It's not that he's overlooking your emotions, desires, etc. It's that he literally doesn't know they exist, and will have difficulty prioritizing them once he does. Not because he's a bad person, but because that's his hardwiring.
The upshot is that it's likely you'll just have to be very, very direct and blunt, which is what most Asperger's folks find the most comfortable form of communication.
Honestly, it's also worth exploring whether poly is something he'll be able to handle overall. Many folks with Asperger's have significant issues maintaining healthy romantic relationships with even one person, because they lack some of the hardwiring that NTs (neuro-typical folks) have to help them manage relationships. The best explanation I've heard for how stressful relationships can be for those with Asperger's: imagine you had to do trigonometry in your head from the moment you woke up to the moment you went to sleep, without a calculator or even pen and paper. Now add the stress of having never had a trig class. Now pile onto it that your entire relationship, and your entire life, hinges on you getting the right answers.
I am not saying stop the poly, just that it is worth considering he may have challenges that may make it more difficult than it otherwise might be, and that addressing those head on in plain, direct ways as soon as possible might help.
(and yes, there's a background as to why I know all this, but I can't really go into it without revealing much more personal information than I am comfortable)