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Old 04-15-2010, 12:38 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Louisiana... Go Saints!
Posts: 179

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Back on topic... I don't hear any talk of this phantom other womans feelings and thoughts. What of her? Any new person adds a new dynamic. She's not some new toy that can be shelved after a good fuck and cuddle. Sorry, this just kinda bugs.
In my first post I put this. Being that this is all a fear of his and there actually is no girl yet it's only a brief mention of her just to note that I had pointed out concern for who ever she may be. Let me clarify that idk how I would have relationship with her BECAUSE I would see this as unfair to her and I couldn't be close with her and not tell her his reasons behind having a relationship with her.

Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
I voiced it's not fair to the girl. He said he wouldn't treat her as a replacement, but that doesn't change that I see her as that and idk how to have a relationship with her because of it.
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Back to the boyfriend. What are his *base* needs? If they are to include another love in his life to trust and love then I would wonder if he is poly. If it is to fill a gap because he is lonely and wants some female entertainment then no wonder ilovetwomen is concerned. That could be damaging in so many ways. Then again, maybe not. ? I dunno... :P
Let me see if I can explain it a little better.

He has made it loud and clear over the past seven months that he does NOT want to have another relationship. He DOESN'T see himself falling in love with anyone else while he is with me. He knows he's CAPABLE, but he DOESN'T want that.

This is our first long distance relationship and well.... it really blows being so far away. We see each other once a month... maybe. One night. We love each other like primaries. We are much more than boyfriend and girlfriend, but life partners seems... cold to us so we don't use it. He has had major moments of struggling with missing me. We've worked through them, but its rough on him. He just wants more time with me.

So he came down and we went job hunting. He has had two that have seemed very promising. One didn't pay enough. The other says he doesn't qualify for a second interview, but they are still considering him. We've already worked out what our base needs of time spent together will be once he is able to get his hiney down here. What our bare minimum is. If more time can be had, great! The problem is he is very fearful that once he gets here and we start out with that bare minimum and see where it leads that it won't be enough for him. He will get greedy and in order to fight off that greed he would find someone else to have a relationship with so he could keep his mind off of me and fill the void and basically... stay sane just so that he could get what he can of me.

But he tells me loud and clear, this is just a fear and he is in this to see it through. That he hopes our time together will be enough of me for him. That he truly doesn't want to go poly' but he would if it meant him getting to have me still.

It seems destructive. He's going to do something he doesn't want to do because it's the lesser of two evils for him?

We came to the conclusion last night, that this is not a good reason to be poly. If he wants ( it will take alot for me to believe he truly wants it with how much he has said "I don't want to") to be poly great, but it needs to be for healthy reasons. To me, after getting my hormones in check yesterday (aunt flo makes me dramatic sorry yall), it seems like a rational fear (he won't be fulfilled in the relationship he wants to create with me), but he came to an irrational solution (fill in girl)

It was a rough convo to get through, talks of if things were unfulfilled when we have reached the max that our relationship will be then we need to be just friends. Neither of us want to go there, but its a fear and you just have to play out those fears sometimes.

If anyone wants me to clarify more please feel free to ask me too. After ALOT of convos about this my brain is mush and it feels like I'm repeating myself.

The whole thing is, when he's needed me, my time from my fiance has been shifted onto him instead and vice versa. They have both been sensitive to the other's needs. I see this same thing happening once he is moved down here. If there are moments when he needs extra time I will be there and eventually I do want to cohabitate. This fear is a "What if none of it is enough." Idk.... The way I see it is if I love him as much as I say I do and I love myself as much as I say I do, I wouldn't allow him to do something he doesn't want to do as a last ditch effort to save our relationship and I wouldn't allow myself to go along for the ride either. I don't see this as being selfish, because I really don't want to lose what I have with him, but if I must I must.

Last edited by Ilove2men; 04-15-2010 at 12:46 AM.
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