Feeling lonely today.
I know I eventually want another loving relationship. I know I have no one in my life currently that would fill that role. Therefore I need to meet new people if I want to find someone that could eventually be a loving, life-long partner.
I hate meeting new people. So, so, so, so, so much. The last 6 months, every person I've met has ended up being ridiculous in some way. Either ridiculously self-centered, ridiculously idiotic, or something else. It just has NOT been going well.
Now I'm wondering how to motivate myself. Obviously my deep down desire for love isn't enough.
Part of me thinks I use Boy as a crutch. I mean, to everyone else he looks like a boyfriend. We spent one night a week together, we encourage each other to pursue goals and get out of the house, we hold hands and cuddle, we talk about everything... But the love isn't there, and it never will be. I loved him once, or thought I did. I don't think I could go back. He's unreliable, he doesn't really want the same things I do, he's nowhere near ready for any kind of commitment, and, most importantly, I highly doubt he would ever actually love me. BUT he fulfills my need for companionship, he cares about me as a friend, and we have some awesome sex. It's just enough that I don't push myself to look for something better, even though I know I could maintain both the FWB status with Boy AND a loving relationship with someone, which would make me feel about as saturated as I could ever want to be.
I really hate it when I start thinking about what I want v. what I have.