I am thinking about either breaking up with Whip or seeing if we can lever down to something other than primaries. I'm not happy. I'm not getting my needs met. I need someone who can give me more attention and time than Whip can. I feel like I am constantly bugging him to spend time with me, to hang out, do things, talk with me. I don't have a sense of connection with him anymore. That's been true for a while. I don't know how to get that connection back. He hasn't done anything wrong really. He's just not who I need right now. I don't know if he ever will be. I want to be with someone who puts me - and us - first in the list of priorities. I've never had that really. Beaker also put her career first. I seem to be repeating at least that pattern with Whip. I know this is mostly me and my expectations and needs. Whip hasn't changed really. The NRE has wore off and he is focused on other things now. Our fabulous chemistry seems to have worn off as well. The sex has been ok lately. Not great. I want great again.
One of my wise friends suggests I tell someone all the things I haven't told Whip. That not saying things out loud has eroded our connection on my end. That's possible. I have always had doubts about this relationship, if it could be a partnership, a long term relationship. Whip doesn't listen to criticism. He gets all defensive and won't hear what is actually said. Even gently criticizing brings up defensiveness. There isn't any such thing as constructive criticism with him. So I don't talk to him about what I am feeling. I'm sad and hurt and feel rejected. Even though I am the one doing the rejecting too. He's entitled too. Feels the world owes him something. It's true it's been shitty getting a job, finding a career. It's not easy. I feel he resents the success I've had.I worked hard but I've also been lucky - a fact I acknowledge to just about anyone. But my success has nothing to do with him. He's bitter and it's really unattractive. He has reason to be, to some degree. But he doesn't help himself with blaming others for his inability to find a job he likes. People just don't keep him on. That's on him. I wish I knew why. But even if I knew why, he wouldn't be able to hear me tell why. He would think it's something else, not him. But part of it is him. Something is not helping him keep a job.
I feel like I am starving all the time with him lately. I feel so deprived of emotional sustenance. And I'm doing that to myself somehow. He hasn't changed. He is less interested, less attentive now. He withdrew in response to my withdrawal when I decided I didn't want him to move in. Understandable I suppose. I want to be fulfilled in a relationship. I'm not getting that.
I don't know if I should break up entirely or let go of any expectations and see what happens. I've never been patient and I hate ambiguity. I'm terrible at letting go. But it worked better when we were not dating, when we were not in a primary type relationship. Maybe try and return to fuckbuddies. I don't know if I am capable of that. I've never tried to de-escalate a relationship. I do love Whip. I think he loves me in his limited way. I don't know if he is capable of a deep love at this time. He's very self-involved - in ways I recognize because I was rather similar when I was that age.
I don't particularly want to be alone again. I prefer to be in a relationship. I like getting to know someone. But Whip acts like that is not important. He doesn't get to know someone the way I want to, through talking and spending time. He has to be doing something or be physically close. And that's not sufficient for me. I have not been able to translate that to something I can feel deeply. And I do think his feelings have changed. I used to be able to tell he loved me from how he touched me. I could literally feel it. That's gone. And it breaks my heart. He doesn't hold me like he used to, like I was important. Now it's rote and meaningless. I'd rather be alone than weeping over something that's dead.