Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 04-20-2014, 11:48 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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Good morning. Happy Easter to those in the States and Happy Easter Monday those who celebrate it. I am in excellent spirits for no other reason than the fact that I woke up today and was given the chance to try my hand at this thing called life again.

We are back in Oz after a whirlwind hols in London, Paris, and a 13 hour layover in Singapore. We left the airport and spent the entire day at Universal Studios. The day trip to Singapore was quite fun. It was not the original plan. Our connecting flight to Oz was delayed four hours from its destination, and the next flight all of us could get on did not depart until almost 10 PM. They had one-three seats on the other flights or they were arriving too late. It was a mess, but the airline handled it and offered us freebies for our inconvenience. We made it home at 6:14 AM on Easter morning, and we were able to attend the [Anglican] family worship service at 9 and the Solemn Mass at 11. It worked out beautifully, and yesterday was a lovely day. It was our first Easter with our oldest and the first Easter in our new home, so it was already a special day.

I am feeling much better. I am due for another chest x-ray this week, so fingers crossed that the infection has cleared up for good. I am not trying to be back at my GP's office in another eight weeks with pneumonia again. No complaints, though.

Being back in our old home did turn out to be a trigger for me. Ironically, I was worried that it would be a trigger for him. It was awful the first few days. I spent as little time there as possible. I have not figured out what the trigger was, but I am working on it. I thoroughly enjoyed our hols. It was our oldest daughter's first visit to Great Britain, so it was special and great for making new and happier memories. My paternal family did not know I was there, so I did not have to worry about them bringing up my past life or anything that could lead to drama. It was peaceful and just what I needed for my recovery.

Si and I have talked quite a bit over the past couple of weeks. We are rebuilding slowly. I missed talking to her and just her presence. She made some bad choices, but at some point, she was a good and decent woman and friend. We used to be friends, so there is hope. We have agreed not to rehash the past and to move forward. Therapy is not off the table. I am not foolish enough to believe that we can do it all on our own. I have no desire to bring it up, but I am all for learning how to effectively communicate and blend our styles. I have said everything I needed to say regarding that situation. I do not feel any anger towards her. I have every intention of respecting Matt's clearly expressed wishes. More importantly, he trusts me AND my judgment regarding her, so in that sense, I do have something to lose. My eyes are open, and I am cautious and more aware. I am looking for red flags.

She invited me to her birthday dinner later on this week. I might make an appearance. My schedule is clear that evening, and Matt has plans with friends. Our children's nanny offered to watch them, so there is nothing really stopping me. During her birthday last year, I did not see her in person. I think I might have told her happy birthday via Skype or FaceTime. It has definitely been less of a burden to be warm and kind towards her. It is not costing me anything, and I am not losing anything in my marriage. I have softened quite a bit towards her. Disliking her weighed me down and caused me unhappiness. How was that affecting her or her life?

There is one drawback to being friendly towards her. My dislike of her masked any feelings that might have been left over. Since I am warming up to her again, the mask is being lifted. I do still have feelings for her. I am not surprised. I figured they were still there under all the dislike. I invested almost 13 years, so it is not unrealistic to feel something. I love her, but I can say with certainty that it is not romantic love. Talking to her has elicited that "old feeling." I am not in love with her, and I do not want to rekindle a relationship or start one with anyone for that matter. The desire to date is not there. I feel strange having feelings for the once perceived and proven enemy. I feel like a traitor. To who or what? I have no bloody idea. The situations I get myself into.

It is in my best interest to ignore whatever I feel for her and keep her at a safe distance. It is not because I do not trust her. I do not trust my ability to realise and process when something is amiss. I have taken this fork in the road before, and I know what the next series of novels entails. I do not want to get caught up in emotions and feelings. When that happens, all common sense and logic shoot to hell. I have already worn the rose coloured glasses once, and I am not going to do that again. I had a soft spot for her in the past, and nothing good came of it. If I reach the point where my feelings start clouding my judgement and causing me to miss red flags, I will cease all contact. Lessons learned and vividly emblazoned in my mind.

We finally have the date for our meeting regarding the approval or disapproval for adoption: 1 May. I am quite calm. Praying for the best and secretly preparing for the worst case scenario. It is out of our hands, so I am not going to worry myself to the point of distraction. Keeping calm and carrying on.

I am off to cook breakfast for my duckies. They are returning to school on Wednesday, but they are out again on Friday. They should have just given them the entire week off. I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying quality time with their families and loved ones. Happy Easter (or Easter Monday) to everyone!
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