Vix is traveling again, an a road trip around the Midwest in pursuit of her avocation. Under other circumstances, I wouldn't be fazed by her departure but, given events of the past week, I'm feeling entirely out of sorts.
Vix was supposed to be traveling with a companion, a younger woman from another state who has a lot of time on her hands and likes to travel. I mentioned her at the end of the last update, noting I did not have a pseudonym for her. Not to give away what happened, but I'm not sure I'll need one, now. For this post, I'll call her 'N'.
Vix had been attracted to N for quite a while, having met and gotten to know her at various events and festivals. Vix once told me that she really likes men, even loves a few of them, but she's more likely to find women physically attractive; at the time, she named N as an example.
The two of them had written back and forth on Facebook for months before they arranged for N to be Vix's "tour buddy."
I'm not sure exactly when or how it happened but, some time after that, they became lovers.
From the first, there were signs that it would be a difficult relationship. N came across as very needy and somewhat manipulative in securing to her self what she needs.
It turns out, that wasn't the half of it.
N stayed here a few times, and Vix traveled with her and another friend for a weekend out of town a few weeks ago; there, Vix and N really started to get it on . . . as it were.
N also stayed here at our house a few times, for a night or two, on either end of travel plans of her own. I was never sure what to make of her, but gave her the benefit of the doubt since Vix was interested in her.
After that, things got very weird very quickly. By "got weird" I mean "exploded into bizarre and toxic psychodrama".
N is kinky, tending to structure her sexual relationships around a D/s dynamic. Vix has not been kinky, really at all, but was curious enough to be open to the idea. It had also been a long, long time since she'd had sex with another woman, so I think she was feeling adventurous.
Part of what happened may stem from the fact that N does not clearly distinguish sexual from other kinds of relationships. As Vix describes it, N doesn't feel love except through sex . . . so she tends, perhaps in spite of herself, to structure all her relationships around a D/s dynamic.
Also, as Vix describes it, N was trying to push Vix into being the dominant in the relationship if not in bed . . . which really doesn't work very well, when Vix not only doesn't want to be dominant, but discovered she is in fact really uncomfortable with a D/s dynamic as such, in bed or out.
She just doesn't want to put that kind of frame around a relationship.
Sometime early in the week, Vix started trying to tell N that she needed something different, needed to back way down, maybe start over.
N was having none of it, and kept pushing back, making demands, being manipulative . . . based on Vix's account of what happened.
They went back and forth, back and forth, by text and on Skype, trying to understand each other. Or, rather, Vix was trying to understand N.
At one point, I reconstructed part of N's approach something like this: "I won't tell you what's bothering me because you wouldn't understand and I won't let you walk away until you understand but when you understand everything will be okay and you won't want to walk away but I won't tell you until you prove to me that you can listen and the only proof I'll accept is total capitulation."
By this point, I'd already suggested to Vix that her best course was not to walk away, but to run like hell. She was hesitant to do so, not wanting to hurt N unnecessarily.
The problem is that N insisted that the decision to break up could not be unilateral: she wanted to have a say in any decision Vix made.
(Is it just me, or is that just wrong?)
Vix had wasted whole days and big chunks of a few nights struggling with all this, and N kept coming back and coming back, demanding, needing, wanting, feeling. These were days Vix should have spent preparing for her trip; instead, I had to watch as N drained away all life and joy from her.
Finally, by sometime on Wednesday, Vix had had enough and wanted to break it off all together, which would mean making other arrangements for her tour.
For a moment, though, it looked as though N would relent, that she would be willing to hit the reset button and travel with Vix just as a friend. They decided to meet for an hour on Thursday - N had stayed in town for the big kink event this weekend - to talk it over.
Vix took a hard line, though: any hint of drama, and the deal would be off.
The deal was off within a few minutes of N's arrival on Thursday, but they still continued to talk for two hours or so.
Vix may finally have gotten N to see that she had been trying to impose the dominant role on Vix against her will - figure that one out! - and that she should probably have just let Vix cut and run on Monday, but subsequent notes from N suggest she still isn't really willing to let it go.
By that point, Vix had not packed or prepared for her trip, and needed to arrange a rental car.
(We're really un-American, a family of four with just one car!)
There were . . . issues . . . with the rental, the upshot of which is that the whole thing will be more expensive than it should be.
So, Vix drove off in a black mood, and I came home in something of a funk, myself.
Even as I was typing this entry, Vix texted me to let me know that the calm and solitude of the drive are helping her a lot.
Hearing from her has helped me.
I'm going to a party, later, and will get to see Metis.
There's also someone new who may be of interest: I'll be having lunch in a couple of weeks with someone I met on another site.
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin
"Mystical explanations are considered deep. The truth is that they are not even superficial." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Last edited by hyperskeptic; 04-19-2014 at 07:33 PM.