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Old 04-14-2010, 03:55 PM
noob noob is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
That being said...if "no sex" couldn't work and this was not ok with your husband, how would you explain it to him? I think the answer is inside you...why wouldn't it actually work? What will happen if you were to deny yourself this? Would you not be able to even have a freindship with him? What would really happen?
Mono, this is a great question. Really, I can't thank you enough for asking it. So very clarifying...

And the answer, at this point anyway, is:

To me, cutting off the possibility of sex with this man I care for, and am falling for, maybe deeply, does a disservice to something at my very core. At my very core, I feel that I need to be able to explore what I have with OSO without arbitrary restrictions being placed on me (like "I am married and this isn't what people who are married do").

I am willing to process and honor real limitations and fears my husband might have about my having sex with another person--but I am not willing to completely foreclose the possibility of sex with someone else before even getting there.

All of that said, I have not had sex with OSO; it is a long distance relationship and the opportunity hasn't arisen. I believe, but don't know, that I will be intimate with him.

But the idea of foreclosing that possibility just because wounds me very, very deeply. I think not least because of this idea--that I completely agree with--that every relationship seeks its own level. If you restrict things too much, you can't let the relationship be what it is. And the idea of missing out on authenticity, and having to live a lie, I think, is what I find most painful.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I would ask them why your desires are causing them such distress? What need is it they have that requires them to understand or for you to conform to their ideals?
Another great piece of advice, thank you.

Edited to add: I appreciate where you're all coming from with your points that it doesn't really matter that much what others think who aren't in the relationship. I think over time I will be stronger and better able to really know that, but since I am so new to polyamory, I just don't have much confidence in myself, you know? I'm trying to work on that, but it's really hard not to let others' doubts and declarations of "Oh that NEVER works" get to me. Brings me down and makes me think I'm delusional, you know?

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-14-2010 at 04:24 PM. Reason: merge posts
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