Originally Posted by nycindie
That is incorrect. She is not "putting the husband" anywhere, nor "making him" choose anything.
She is merely informing him of the choice she made for herself.
He can do whatever the hell he wants, and make changes or not. No one is telling him he needs to choose between his wife and his gf. No one is asking him to do something different, nor making any demands on him whatsoever. She has not taken away his agency by making a choice in what she will have in her life or not. This is not the same as pretending to walk away from someone yet looking backward hoping to see them following (manipulation); this is simply walking away, which is much more respectful of everyone's autonomy. They are all autonomous beings. If he feels he needs to make a choice in response to what he observes in polybynature's actions, that is totally on him, and it will be his own motivation that prompts any kind of decision like that.
NYC, I really like youre last few pieces of insight. I hope what happens today still rings true to what you said above and before that post. We talked and I told him I cant find anymore, I also can't stay in a relationship where I feel im on back burner while he chases an unloving spouse. I told him if they really truly are separated (As they state, but he does not act) then Im glad to date him...but if he wants to persue her, i'm walking. Is that an ultimatum? Maybe. But I DO want to give him the choice of my not breaking up with him. Hes a grown man, and if he wants to continue on the current path he can, he'll just be doing it without me.
And I like what you say about not walking away and looking back for him to follow...because in another time, that would've been me. I'd have walked and hoped he'd chased me. Im not doing that this time, if he wants to keep everything as is that's totally up to him, and then I have every right to leave and feel good about it.