View Single Post
  #134  
Old 04-16-2014, 02:21 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default Part one went well...

Had a good and emotional talk with Chops last night. I'm always hesitant to bring anything up that seems "Anti-Xena" but that's based on one time I got his hackles up early on in our relationship. Last night, I felt listened to, loved, and reassured, and I appreciate that greatly.

He has a hard time identifying with my feeling of being "in her shadow" but he understands that I feel that way. That if there's something he can do to help, he will, but he understands that it's my decision to figure out what I need to do about it, and we'll get through it.

So, I'm working on scheduling a get-together among the three of us so we can talk.

I brought up the "TMI Comment" on his son's status, too, as the tipping point. He thought I could hide someone from my news feed AND hide their visible comments on FB (to avoid getting hit by something like this again), so I started to give it a try today - I am able to hide individual comments on other peoples' posts, but that's kind of a tedious and not-very-helpful way of doing it (I have to see the comments first, then hide them), and "unfollowing" them only removes their posts from my feed. Not really what I'm looking for.

While I was poking around with FB settings, I noticed his son's status (with the TMI comments) was gone. Not sure what happened there, but poof. Gone. Odd. Hopefully, when we talk about it at the powwow, I won't look like the idiot at the mechanic's, going, "But it made that noise earlier, I swear!"

On the self-introspection side, we talked about why I feel that hiding her comments and posts will make things easier for me, when the reality doesn't change. We did something similar to this a while back, when she started excluding me from her more romantic/gooshy posts for Chops. Partly, it's because I can process the reality of it better when it isn't constantly in my face. Digging deeper into that, though, it's easier because if it's not constantly in my face, triggering the emotions and inadequacies, my HEAD ends up processing it and not my heart. Logically, I know that she posts romantic things to Chops, and I know that's a good thing. I want him to have that in his relationship with her. Emotionally, I hate having it in my face and having to confront it right there in front of me every single time it happens. Same with her relationship with his family (brings out the envy) or the "TMI" posts (I am *so* not a voyeur WRT their relationship).

I'm good with the abstract - knowing that yes, this stuff happens. But I don't really want to see it. Sort of like my favorite gross analogy: I know you poop, but even if you're happy pooping with the door open, it doesn't mean I want to see it.

When I see it, and I'm confronted with it, the competition comes out. The "I want that too" comes out. Or the "I really didn't want to see that". And I end up spending too much time thinking about her, and what she has in her relationship with Chops, rather than just focusing on me and ours. I feel like I'm constantly in her shadow, and I just need to feel free of that.

So. I still don't have a better way of avoiding all that stuff, aside of blocking her. I'm curious as to why the status got removed, though. It'll make for an interesting talk.

On the plus side, my youngest daughter got to help Chops work on his tractor a bit last night, which was very cool. I love seeing her get the chance to do things like that (and get dirty before I drop her off at her dad's - LOL). It was a nice night with the girls, a good talk with Chops, and I felt much better knowing that I'm not going to go into this discussion and alienate my partner because I'm having an issue with his OSO.

Oh, and snow this morning! After nigh-80-degree temps three days ago. Gotta love New England.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 04-16-2014 at 03:02 PM. Reason: Moving from words here to there...
Reply With Quote