Thread: Not Dead Yet!
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Old 04-14-2014, 02:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,725

I also don't know how to deal with someone who is more passive in their relationship style. I tend to identify what is amiss from my perspective and then go try and figure it out with the people involved. I don't wait around and I never expect things to resolve themselves. I don't think my way is better necessarily but it is how I am.

Whip is more passive. He will let things slide and slide. He won't bring anything up. When we were discussing what we felt was social and what wasn't, what was intimacy for us, he mentioned that he felt me withdrawn around the time he asked to move in (many months ago). He's not wrong - I did. I was trying to figure out what I wanted, what I thought I 'should' do, what our relationship meant. At the time, I didn't want him to move in. I wasn't ready for that and I do not know if I ever would be. He's loud and I'm quiet. I don't know if I want to live with a partner again. I just don't know. And given that his ideal is to have lovers and partners all in a house, living together (not necessarily all involved) and that his ideal of intimacy is to be physically close most of the time, well, he experienced me not wanting that at this time to be withdrawal. And he's not wrong.

But he never told me this. Or discussed it beyond broad generalities. I know that he preferred the partners all in a house together model but I didn't know at the time that is how he experiences intimacy too. I wish he would have told me. It may not have changed anything but I would have liked to know. I don't know how to deal with someone who doesn't feel the need to bring up things that hurt or affect him, that just lets it go all the time. But still has those feelings and thoughts that are not shared, that are implicit. I need to be told stuff, I'm not great at intuiting what others are thinking or feeling.

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