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Old 04-14-2010, 01:53 AM
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midnightsun midnightsun is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: In the deep wilderness next to the man I love, raising a few wild animals some might call children.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenGecko View Post
Were it a day or two after the surgery, I wouldn't have gone. BUT, the same mentality I had for why I stayed home the first surgery, was a justification of why I thought it okay to go to the concert.

Same as going over there next week. Until I know that she's okay with me being away, I need to hold her feelings and needs over that of the others.
I think that's part of the reason your friends assume LR is "making" you do (or not do) certain things. I hear you saying "until I know she's ok with me being away..." and "I need to hold her feelings and needs over that of the others..."

When you talk about NOT seeing your friends, the feelings YOU convey are "guilt" and "fear of disappointing them." So, I can imagine why they get the impression that you're putting her feelings, her needs, whether she is ok w/you being gone or not over YOUR OWN feelings.

At no point do I hear you saying, "I WANT to be with LR right now and I need to be with her until I'm sure she's ok and if THEY can't understand MY feelings then they aren't TRUE FRIENDS. Because she's my TRUE LOVE/SO/GF and NO ONE in their right mind would leave their TRUE LOVE to play games or go to concerts with friends until THEY are 100% convinced that their TRUE LOVE is truly ok."

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenGecko View Post
Getsueh is a true friend, and he will understand if I tell him "not right now".[/U][/B]
Ok, but WHAT is he understanding? Is he understanding that she is your priority and you WANT to be with her right now, or is he understanding that you're trying to "make her happy" by telling him no out of consideration for her feelings rather than doing it because it's what you want to do and think is right to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenGecko View Post
BUT, because I have a commitent to LR, I MUST prioritize her needs first.
Sort of... because you CHOOSE to prioritize your commitment to LR YOU should have a NEED to be there when she's struggling. I didn't go to the hospital for the 1st surgery because I thought she needed me to... I went there because I care about her and I needed to make sure she was ok. I went because I wanted to be there, not because I thought she wanted me there, or because I thought it would "make her happy." It wasn't about that, and I'm at a loss to explain the difference.

Every time my mom has surgery she tells me, "You don't have to stay in the hospital with me." I know she'll have nurses that have way more training than I do and are perfectly capable of caring for her. THAT'S NOT THE POINT. She's my mom, and I love her and I have slept on the FLOOR in her hospital room (before they had those dumb folding chairs) because she's my mom and if she's not ok, I'M not ok. Even if she tells me she's fine without me there, it's a moot point because I don't WANT to be anywhere else other than at her side 24/7 until I feel 100% convinced that I'm ok with NOT being there.

When LR had her first surgery, I went to the hospital rather uninvited. I slept on the couch in your house despite the fact she had you and her sister AND Maca there, because I didn't know whether she'd need me or not and I wasn't going anywhere until all 3 of you convinced ME that you could (and would) take care of her AND I felt comfortable enough that she was out of the woods to choose to leave. I didn't particularly care if any of you guys wanted me there or even if she wanted me there or not. I probably would've slept in my truck in your driveway if you guys had kicked me out JUST IN CASE she needed me. Because if she had needed me and I wasn't there for her, I wouldn't have forgiven myself... Notice I didn't say that I was concerned that she would've been unhappy with me, or that she wouldn't have forgiven me... I NEEDED to be there for her. It was as much about my needs as hers.

When my own family (mother, husband, etc.) were completely baffled and asked, "Doesn't she have people to take care of her?" I said, "Yes she does, but I don't care. I don't know how much they know about after-care and *I* need to make sure she's ok." My mom took my kids so I could be there for LR.

The second surgery wasn't nearly as risky, and I was already reasonably sure that the 3 of you had it under control for her. AND I discussed it with her several times to make sure I wasn't needed/wanted/required or couldn't help in even the tiniest way before making the decision to hang back this time.

And she's only my "true friend" not my "true love." If she were my "true love" you would've ALL had to put up with me sleeping on your floor or in your driveway and being at your house 24/7 because there's no way I would've left her side and I would've cancelled ALL of my plans for 2 months so I could be there "just in case." And if someone had acted like they were disappointed that I cancelled plans with them, I would've told them they must be insane for thinking I'd want to be anywhere else.
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