Thanks for getting it back on track and yes I think you are right, when spanking was just something I would talk about like my husband would just dismiss it saying he did not get it, but now that I have found someone who gets it he does feel like he is not able to meet that need.
The de-railed discussion about BDSM was interesting too, when my husband has tried that type of play with me he has always put on this persona of an 'angry man' who is annoyed at me, but when I play with Mike is very sweet and not like that at all even though Mike is very much in charge and dominate. I think my husband has this belief that that is what all BDSM play is like and when I explained how Mike actually talks to me he was surprised. In further talks with my husband I became aware that he does not fully understand submission - he sees it as a very passive role, where the sub does nothing- just gets stuff done to them. I think this might explain some of his issues - a lack of understanding. But then he has no reason to have understanding it is not something that has interested him.
Thanks again to those who gave insight, it is really helpful to know that when issues arise there is a place that you can get help from.