So I had lunch today with a friend that I met at a swinging party I attended in February. She lives somewhat close - about 20 minutes away - and I haven't seen her since February, though we are Facebook friends and we text sometimes. She's kind of dating a guy that I talked with on OKC and FetLife in January. He tried to hook up with me a few times, but I was never attracted to him. Anyway, it was great to see her - and him - again, but sort of weird since it was in a normal setting. PunkRockAwesomesauce came along with me, which had me a bit nervous.
He had asked me previously to not really talk about my swinging forays since they happened right after we had our first couple of dates. So you can imagine that it wasn't the best for him to be sitting there listening to us talk about people we know from that arena. I felt really bad, and I asked him about his feelings afterward. He was noncommittal, but seemed ok. We are going to see my friends again on Saturday - I am having them over for a BBQ.
I have some regrets about the play parties I attended. Well, only one - the timing was crap. I feel that they were a needed boost to my self-esteem, and something I needed to really take back my sense of power after my breakup with M, if that makes any sense. However, it fucking sucks that it had to go on the week that PunkRock and I were actually starting our relationship. After that week, and I realized how serious he was about me, that was it - I called off any further events and broke things off with the other guys I was seeing. Still, I am sad it makes him unhappy.
I don't love him any less because I decided to give swinging a try. In fact, I think it was good because it showed me that even a boundless amount of attention from men doesn't slow down my libido. And it showed me that the sort of attention I received there, though empowering to me, wasn't what I ultimately wanted or needed.
I don't know how to articulate that any better. I regret that it makes the start of my relationship with PunkRockAwesomesauce seem less than serious - because I did truly like him right from the moment he caught my eye in January. I wrote about him here, actually, and in my happiness journal at home. But he was busy, said he wasn't interested in dating right then, and so I continued on with my life. When he messaged me and asked me out, I was SO excited, but my parties were already on the calendar, and other guys I had been excited about fizzled out previously, so, well, again I continued my life.
Now though, looking back, it makes me sad. I wish I had known he was going to sweep me off my feet and make me love him something wonderful.
Such is the way it goes, I suppose. Things right now seem, as always, too good to be true. We bought the paint for his room today before he left to go back to his city for a couple of days. I miss him quite terribly while he is gone, but he will be back soon enough - Wednesday, I hope! I have plenty to keep me busy between now and then, but I will be longing for the way the crook of his arm enfolds me while I sleep, and how warm his lips are when they touch mine. Whoo! Be still my heart.
Another blast from the past this week - a guy I hooked up with once, messaged me on FetLife. This was disturbing because this was a guy that I had to block on OKC and on my phone because he would NOT stop messaging me. I think I posted about him previously - he was really, really desperate and he kinda scared me with his intensity. I regretted having sex with him even as I was doing it. Sigh.
Anyway, he messaged me about how he has a new Fet account and how great that we can reconnect there now. I had a rough evening over that. I feel responsible for him having these feelings for me and I didn't want to hurt him further, but fuck! I blocked him everywhere! I told him he was messaging too much and that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship, but he didn't get it. And here, after a couple months, he is again. It made me feel like a terrible human being.
I still feel like a terrible human being.
Thankfully, the next morning I wrote him back and just briefly said that I hoped he'd find some happiness on Fet and that people I'd met through the site were great. Also that I was really, really REALLY very happy with my boyfriend and not interested in revisiting us.
No joke - he messaged me back an instant after I sent that. However disconcerting that was, he did say thanks and that he understood I was not dating anyone else.
So, that relieved me a great deal. I haven't heard from him since then, which is good.
A modern day polyamorous polygamist My Online Journal
Me, Central Hub in a star shape (38F)
Wife to DarkKnight (39M) & PunkRockAwesomesauce (42M)
Girlfriend to WarMan (40M) - Monkey is his long time friend