Mag-that is a concept I honestly hadn't even considered but damn-it sure fits...
I didn't intentionally leave it out of my list. I honestly didn't bother to put it in because after so long of him distancing himself, I have to really make an effort to think of what there was/is.
It was odd going out for our "anniversary" and running errands. It was nice to spend the day together. It's been so fucking long since we did that it's not funny. But-it was awkward too. After literally more than a year... I didn't know what to say.
He brought up work to tell me that next week he's going to start going in 2 hours earlier 3 days a week. Not a "change in hours", another addition to the number of hours he's working. I didn't comment.
He's devastated that I'm going to Kodiak with Maca. But he can't see that there isn't anything HERE to stay behind for. Even as a friend, I never see him or spend time with him. He's busy with work.
My sister has already booked her trip to come to Kodiak for Sour Pea's birthday this summer (over a weekend). GG hasn't.
I invited him to go to California with Sour Pea and I in August. He hasn't arranged that either-in fact, he told me he doesn't know if he can take the time off of work.
Maca is agog. He's being decently nice about everything. But he's stunned and somewhat offended, after all the battle I put in for GG-GG seems to just be wandering off to the beck and call of the siren call of his job. Which he professes to hate...
It's all baffling.
I let go of the D/s. I can't be part of that with someone who isn't maintaining the basic intimacy of a friendship with me.
We don't fight. We aren't at war. It's peaceful in a creepy sort of way. But I feel the loss in a surreal way. It's a gut wrenching and heartbreaking calm. I imagine something like the feeling one gets before or after a storm.
I don't know.
I just keep focusing on school, kids and me. Trying to let him be who he needs to be.
"Love As Thou Wilt"