Morning, morning, morning.
Change seems to be the name of the game. We've had a year free of polyamory, and man, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy about it. It's nice to have my lady at home and not have to be on the schedule to get some of her time. I can't vibe with doing it the old way again. Shorty knows I'm backing out of the marriage if it comes down to it. I'll never stop her from doing her or being happy. If polyamory makes her happy, she can have that, but I won't be around. I don't see myself ever being ace with being part of a polyamorous marriage again. There was one situation where I might have been OK, but she doesn't want a relationship with the person. She had my support, but she thought it was a test of her loyalty and agreement. I'm unapologetic about being vocal about what I can and can't vibe with. I gave it my best and all from early 2000 until 2013. I put up with a lot in the pursuit of her happiness. I lost myself. Never again. I had years to think and lots of time alone to realise I wasn't cut out for this. Change was a long time coming. I told the shrink early on, "You don't know the hell that I've been through." I wouldn't willingly do it again. I made mistakes. Her ex-girlfriend made mistakes. The lady made mistakes. It's what it is. Not going to let the past take over the future.
I was cool with one potential situation. My lady's friend is in love with her. She was completely blind to it and didn't pick up on it. Yeah, I told her, and she still didn't believe it. It was only a few months into our repair efforts when that bomb was dropped. I told her I could be tolerant of that because I liked the woman and there was mutual respect. It helped that she wouldn't be part of our daily lives because she lives stateside. My lady was suspicious, questioned my motives, and even thought I was up to no good. She swore I was trying to test her loyalties and commitment to our marriage. It wasn't like that. It doesn't matter anyway. She doesn't want a relationship with her. Do I tune her out when she brings her up or wants to discuss her feelings? Nah, none of that. I don't have a problem listening. She doesn't pose the threat to our marriage or family in the way that her ex-girlfriend did.
No need to state the obvious but my lady wasn't on her P's and Q's when it came to being being a mother and wife. The best change of all is that she actually has time for our kids. Kids don't ask to be born, and no kid fits into a neatly tailored schedule. Being a parent is a 24-hour job. I'm a daddy when I'm away from them. I'm a daddy when they're sleeping. I'll be a daddy forever. The same goes for her. The most aggravating part of dealing with Ryl was watching her put her ex-girlfriend before our kids. That wasn't cool, and the shrink tried to make excuses. I wasn't trying to hear that.
I've watched my lady grow into being a mum. She finally knows our kids and not in passing. I was thrown off when she said she was envious of the bonds I had created with the kids. She was afforded the same opportunities. She made choices that blocked that. She worked hard to change that and took an interest in their lives. Everyone's happier because of that.
How has it been having Ryl around all the time? Ace. It's changed for the better. She's present mentally and emotionally. She's different. She's grown up and stepped up her A-game. She's confident, sexy, and mature. She's affectionate and not avoiding intimacy. She opens up to me. She takes an interest in my thoughts and feelings. She checks in just to see if I'm OK. Who knew that being heard and being treated like an equal in this marriage would make that much of a difference? We get on well. We don't argue. She has loosened up and has developed a silly side. It's nothing for her to show up to my office and take me to lunch. She's spontaneous and game for whatever. We went bungee jumping and swinging in New Zealand. 134 m and she did it like a champ. We balanced the weekend out by going wine tasting. Team effort is more efficient than working against each other. She was a control freak. She has learned how to let go. She lets me help out and realises she doesn't have to do everything on her own. She can maintain her independence and accept help from time to time. We respect one another. I don't know about her, but I'm in this for the long haul.
Do I think we are compatible with this style of relationship? It's still a learning curve. 11 1/2 years of the old and only a year of the new. It's going to take some more time to get fully adjusted. For awhile, I didn't know how to react to her being around, available, or even present. I had put her in a box labelled "unavailable." It's going to take some time to undo old behaviours and comfortable patterns.
What still applies? This:
It's not that things aren't going well. I mean, they are. Really well. Its been cool to feel something other than anger towards her. I'm happy. I enjoy being around her and having her around. It never gets old walking in and seeing her in the kitchen or hearing her voice. A few weeks ago, we went to a charity event in Sydney, and she was looking at me from across the room. With the tilt of her head, a smile that lit up the room, and that look, I knew what she was thinking. I miss her as opposed to intentionally distancing myself from her. I enjoy seeing her smile and laugh as opposed to crying and stressing to the point of losing weight. I enjoy having her around. I love her sense of humour and that smile that had me from the first time I met her. I love the way her perfume lingers even after she has long left a room. I love when she borrows my clothes. I love that sparkle in her eye when she talks about the causes she's passionate about. It's all those things. Its been nice knowing that she's working just as hard as I have been and that I'm not in this marriage alone. I remember why I love her and what made me fall in love. I'd hate to give this up. Look at that. I do have feelings outside of anger and joy.
I love the little things about her. I respect and admire the woman she has grown in to. I accept her for who she is and what she is about. Acceptance doesn't mean I have to go against my own limitations to appease her. We've found a balance that works. She's happy. I'm happy. The marriage is healthy. We jointly decided against continuing with the shrink. Going it on our own. We got this. You know what? I wouldn't change anything about our marriage. It ain't perfect, but it's ours.
Some things don't change. I still don't want to be around her ex-girlfriend like talking about. Small doses only. My lady's been talking to her. As long as faux mummy doesn't try to get close to my kids, we won't have any issues. I need her to stay in her lane.
Will we ever be cool again? Too soon to say. I heard it through the grapevine that she issued a formal apology. I'd like to hear that for myself. We're on holiday right now, but after the holiday and holidays, I'll see about talking to the snowflake. I'm trying to keep an open mind. I didn't believe my lady could change, but I've witnessed it. She truly seemed apologetic and determined to right the wrongs. I lack the faith and the ability to believe the royal snowflake can do that. Prove me wrong. My lady's effort alone earned my respect. Trust came back over time. If I can rebuild with my lady, being cool with the royal snowflake might happen in this lifetime.
There's a lot going on in our lives and with our growing family. We started something big last year, and it's coming around full circle. I can't explain it, but I had no doubts. My lady and I were on the same page when it came to this. We came to the same conclusion separately but put our heads together to get it done. When she first brought it up, I saw that sparkle in her eye and heard the passion in her voice. She spoke with such conviction and determination. It was a side of her that captivated me and commanded my attention and respect. I don't want to say too much, but our decision was a wise one. She's brought much joy to our lives.
With that, I'm dipping out again. See you when I see you. Same time in six months? Perhaps.