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Old 04-11-2014, 12:41 PM
ConfusedFeelings ConfusedFeelings is offline
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 12

I find myself in a similar situation.
I wanted to open our relationship (polygamy/polyamory) after 4 years relationship, but my GF was very, very unpleased about this.

What I personally find strange, is that you don't seem to give your husband a "chance". I think you should try to have more empathy for him and to see things from his perspective. How do you think he feels?

I know that my "coming out" caused immensely bad feelings for my gf.
I just recently realised that - as London put it correctly - no one owes me polyamory. We have to respect our partner's wishes and feelings. If we don't want any "resistance", then we should be clear about it from the beginning on.
You should keep in mind that when you became a couple, your partner agreed with a monogamous relationship, not with a polyamorous one.

My GF is absolutely mono and will stay mono, with or without me. I think it is very unlikely (unlikely, but not impossible) that your husband will become positive about the idea of polyamory. I also thought I could kind of "convert" my GF, but, as a matter of fact, I can't.

So it's you who has to decide - mono with your husband, or poly without your husband... I know it's a very hard decision. I am going through it myself! But we have to accept that not everyone wants poly and we shouldn't force people into a relationship-style that isn't good for them and doesn't make them happy.
I think it is important to realize that your husband doesn't "take your freedom" or "limit your freedom". He really doesn't. He doesn't force you to be with him; and the fact that polyamory causes negative feelings for him is nothing he does "intentionally" - some people simply aren't poly...some people don't want this.
I myself have seen polyamory as kind of a "superior" form of relationship, which is one reason why I acted dismissive towards my GF's feelings and wishes. I reduced all my girlfriends feelings to a manifestation of "insecurities" and "possessiveness" etc., because I thought that polyamory is "THE" form of relationship and she just doesn't "want" to see it.
Writing and reading in this polyamory-forum has actually helped me to realize that I was wrong.
Your husband is just a human being with natural feelings... a wish for monogamy is nothing wrong.
My advice: Begin to respect your husband's feelings and individual wishes.
Realize that YOU are free, in a monoamorous and in a polyamorous relationship. No one limits you, you are limiting yourself. Take your time and think about what you want from a relationship. Can you only be happy in a poly-relationship? If so, a divorce would be the only reasonable consequence.
Stay respectful towards your husband. He is not a "bad" person only because he doesn't want polyamory with you.

Last edited by ConfusedFeelings; 04-11-2014 at 12:43 PM.
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