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Old 04-11-2014, 08:53 AM
SheepMusketeer SheepMusketeer is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 8
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I knew M for about 3 years before we married. (Will try to change names later - in a hurry this morning!) We live in a small flat because we currently can't afford anything bigger. The small flat's also been fine for the last 2 years when it was just me!

M and I are very compatible in a domestic way. We're great at living together, travelling and enjoying the simple things in life. However, I'm wondering whether we are emotionally compatible. Our lack of ability to talk to each other has really surprised me, but I guess it was just never tested before this. Conversely, D and I are very emotionally compatible but not as much on the domestic front. (It's not *that* bad, but our respective living habits would take a little getting used to.) When I 'escape' to D's house it's not so much because I want the physical space, but because it's a safe emotional space for me. For a few hours I can relax and feel less anxious, feel accepted for who I am.

In the short term, D is going to be away for the next month so I will have lots of quality time with M to talk things through and generally be together with less stress. Counselling is certainly an option - now that I'm less busy at work I'll see if I can set that up.

I agree that I've M through a hell of a lot these past six months. But I don't feel that he 'owes' me polyamory. It has been his choice to be in this situation we're in now - I never even suggested it, because I knew he was against the idea before. Even when he did suggest it, I made it clear that I didn't want him to go into it unless he was genuinely comfortable with it for himself and not just for me. What I don't want is to be in a relationship where someone is always trying to please me and not doing what's best for themselves too. I feel very lucky to have two men who are both doing their best to try to make me happy, but I cannot enjoy that happiness unless I feel that they have it too.

I don't regret the choices I've made. I only really found out about open relationships/polyamory a year ago - before that, I never knew anyone in such a situation and didn't realise non-monogamy was possible (silly as that sounds). The realisation that I am non-monogamous has been a big deal for me - perhaps something akin to someone realising they are gay or bi? I'm glad I brought it up with M before the wedding, hard though it's been, and I don't regret getting married, even if it should fail within a year. At the time I did it for the right reasons.
It is also difficult to regret falling for D. I'm sure that, if I'd tried, I could have kept those emotions under wraps at the beginning and stopped myself falling so hard. But he has brought me so much happiness, and has helped me grow so much as a person, that I cannot wish things were different. I'm not only in love with him, but love him very deeply.

For me, being poly means having the emotional freedom to love whomever we choose, and to act on those feelings. I need that freedom to be happy in the long term. If M cannot accept this side of me, then I truly believe we'd be happier apart than forever making compromises that are only upsetting both of us.
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29/F
M = husband since Aug 2013
D = bf since Jan 2013
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