Thread: Humiliation
View Single Post
Old 04-13-2010, 11:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

But honesty is a BIG part of making polyamory work and being honest means being honest about the good AND THE BAD right?
Thanks for sharing. It helps to write, I keep a detailed journal about the ups and downs of emotional honesty.
I think you could remove polyamory and put relationships. Honesty is paramount for good relationships

Anyway-how this is humiliating for me is that OVER AND OVER again one or the other of my men expresses intent to do/say or not do/not say something or other. I take this at face value with the assumption that this positive behavior is their TRUE intent.
hmmm...I see the others posts in the thead but wanted to give my point of view on what I am seeing. By feeling humiliation you are taking ownership of whatever emotion or intention your partner(s) are promising. Everyone has enough emotions on their own let alone to take ownership of something you have no control of. I could be wrong of course, but I am getting that feeling with how you wrote this.

As an example, when I was at my darkest and feeling the most emotion, my wife started to feel a serious dislike for our ex. Once she told me that I knew something had gone wrong. She had started to take what I felt and was owning emotions that she wasn't feeling. We sat down a talked, and I told her that these were my emotions to feel and OWN and I didn't want her to hold our ex up to my emotions. Their relationship is different. I wanted her to help me...but I needed her to not take that and break their blossoming friendship. That friendship is very important for her, its, hopefully a big catalyst for her to make some changes. It did seem to work, happily, and in the end it helped me, because they were both strong while I was very vulnerable. By her trying to own my emotions it created a massive tailspin that was making it worse for me, and for her.

I am not saying you can't support them, just saying not to take ownership of it

Then-they drop the ball or whatever and it creates (at least for me) the impression that everything I said about "things going well" or "making progress" or whatever are lies-or I'm seriously delusional.

THAT creates a sense of humiliation in me that leaves me not wanting to go on our trip to Canada.
Not because I don't want to meet the 4 people there that I have arranged to meet. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to meet them.
But because I feel humiliated.
Remember these are relationship problems. There are 4 relationships in your V. There are lots of ups and downs and not everyone has to have the perfect relationship all of the time. I don't think you should feel humiliated (I really think thats a strong word btw) when every relationship goes through stuff. You all still have each other, are communicating and trying. Thats better than most

Now-I have no intetion of allowing my emotions to control me-so I'm not going to cancel my trip. I WANT to go meet tthese people and I BELIEVE that doing so will be a HUGE part of helping myself grow in the areas I'm trying to grow in. SO I am going.
Good, will be happy to meet this fairly large crew of people.

BUT I also think that since I am feeling these emotions-part of "growing" in the areas I'm trying to grow in-is honestly acknowledging these emotions and claiming them so that I can deal with them and resolve them.
Claim your own emotions, don't take others on too.

Reply With Quote