We made it to London on Sunday afternoon, and it has been wonderful to be back. I have especially enjoyed visiting our old haunts like shopping on King's Road, waking up and seeing Regent's Park, Bubbleology, LouLou's/5 Hertford, our friends, our family, and our home.
We are staying in our home instead of in a hotel. The last months in this house were not exactly happy or pleasant, and I am finding that when I walked in on Sunday, a flood of bad memories and unhappiness waved over me. It was no longer that happy place I once remembered. When I was alone earlier this week, I walked on all five floors, and the nostalgia was not there. All I could remember were the arguments over the years and a lot of miserable moments from last year. I did remember some happy moments, but then I started wondering, "How many of those "happy" moments were just to prevent an argument, Matt stifling his discontentment, or to keep me from bitching?" Where is the joy in knowing that we are back in our first marital home? Where is the joy in knowing that this is the home where we brought our children home from the hospital? I do not know what is wrong with me, but I am trying not to let it get to me. I would hate to be a Debby Downer and insist that we stay elsewhere for the remainder of our trip. Here is to hoping this is temporary. I used to love this home.
This is our oldest's first visit to the UK, and she has been on a happy high. We have went above and beyond to make this a memorable trip for her. It gives me joy to see her smiling, laughing, and having the time of her life. She has found joy in every moment. I guess I took things for granted. I have an affinity for London, and being away has made me appreciate it more than ever.
She has never been to Paris, so we are flying there tomorrow. We will be flying back early Sunday morning, as we are due to attend church with my parents. I am looking forward to Sunday lunch/dinner with my parents, siblings, nephews, etc.
I am feeling better, so I have been getting out more. I have gotten plenty of rest. My mum has been watching me like a hawk in the sky, and to make sure that I comply with GP's orders, she has taken up temporary residence in our home. She makes sure I take every pill, breathing treatment, and dose of cough suppressant. I will not complain because she has been spoiling me and cooking all of my childhood favourites. Plus, my children love having their grandmother here.
My ex and I are on speaking terms. We have exchanged a few text messages here and there. I video chatted with her for almost an hour while we had a layover in Singapore. Matt actually said "hello" to her. When you are in the air for 20+ hours, you have nothing but time to talk, so it was interesting to hear his explanation regarding forgiveness. He said that he has [surprisingly] forgiven her and is not completely opposed to the idea of talking to her in a controlled setting like via Skype. He is more devout in his faith and believes that part of being a Christian means being able to forgive--not for them but for yourself. I have to applaud his efforts because several months ago, the mere mention of her name was enough to cause a negative reaction. I am not rushing towards a friendship or cordial interactions between them. At this point, the exchange of one or two words between them is sufficient. As long as I respect his wishes not to have her around him or our children, that should keep potential confusion down.
I have enjoyed my conversations with Si. I managed to lose all of Matt's trust, so I know how much work goes into earning it back. It was a mutual effort. Give and take, if you will. She took a few steps, and I am taking a few by extending opportunities for her to earn mine back little by little.
I have only seen one member of my paternal family. I had high tea with my aunt in Taplow. I have chosen not to see the rest of them. They thrive off of drama, bringing up the past, and just ridiculousness. There is a reason why they have not met any of my children and why they have no access to me. They do not know that I am here, and I want to keep it that way.
Outside of that, I am taking it easy, recovering, and enjoying my family. I hope everyone is doing well!
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.