I PMed you NYC.
I had a little poly dream or wish. I hoped that one day Ms Text would talk to me and discover that I am not a cowgirl. I never had any designs to be Prof's one and only. I never wanted to go to neighbourhood bbqs or fundraisers, or family events with him. I have no interest in fighting over Xmas or Thanksgiving. I hoped that we could discuss some of the rules and ease back on a few like the toothbrush, leaving some jammies, not hiding teabags in the garbage, gifts, birthdays, and the occasional long weekend. That we could go to a concert without her getting upset ( we never went to one, she objected every time) or know that I am borrowing the scooter. He let me take a picture of us the other week, the first one in a year, cause that is not allowed either.
And now that will not happen. All the rules will evaporate soon but not because we negotiated change and came to some understandings but because she will be gone. I will remain the person who she wanted to veto on a fairly regular basis.
I am sad that we never worked anything out. I am sad that I will have to see Prof in a state of grief. I don't want to see changes happen because she is gone, I wanted changes to happen because it was the right thing to do.
I am nervous to go round to Prof's again, because there will be no need for panicked texts saying I forgot my whatever, can you hide it? There will be no need to hide my toothbrush at the back of the sink in the spare bathroom or push the teabags deep into the garbage. And we will both be completely aware of why.
This shouldn't be about me, but there will be changes.
I am just sad.
Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
Kip: 50s male.