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Old 04-09-2014, 12:46 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,000

Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Honestly... I think there definitely are guys who write down "looking for the one" in their profiles but are (also) looking for casual sex. They just think it looks bad if they say so. And then they see you're open and they're like "score! She'll have sex with me!" because they assume, somehow, that it means you'll have sex with anyone.
Tonberry, I suspect this may be the case.

Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
There's a huge difference between the limited space on a dating profile, where the word poly can trigger so much ignorance and misunderstanding and sitting across from someone, explaining how it works, answering questions, and putting a successful human face on a social taboo.

My partner Audrey (f) doesn't put it on her dating profiles, but has a great success rate at getting people (she's pansexual) to give things a chance that they might not have otherwise. She doesn't have a hard and fast rule. Often she chats with people for months or weeks, either in the app or through texts, and when it comes comes up. We've had a talk about my feelings, vis-a-vis not wanting to feel hidden and therefore unimportant...and we're on the same page. She loves me, values our relationship and brings it up if and when there's a need to...i.e. not casual dating. And it so happens that I've been able to do the same myself.

I think men have the reputation for being aggressively horny no matter what their orientation because they have been socialized to be such, in part by the misogynistic culture we live in.

A lot of what is "acceptable" and "not acceptable" comes from the community you're in, your age range, your education level, etc. - a ton of factors. And just when you're ready to assume someone can't handle polyamory, they can surprise you.
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I wonder how many of them write that solely because they believe it's what women want, and it makes them appear more desirable?
I suspect this is also true for many. I wonder how many would go another route if they felt it was acceptable and some women would accept that with them?

Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
And that also doesn't mean that they can't want to start with casual sex and see if it develops into the one. I think a lot of guys are like that. They'd like to find a cute, fun girl that they can have a fwb situation with and if it changes, so be it.
My relationship with Whip started out as fuckbuddies, grew into FWB and is now more serious. I'm not opposed to this idea at all. I think it's odd to go on every date thinking 'Is this the One?'. Talk about expectations! But, I also don't want to be approached as 'Insert Tab A into Slot B'. Unfortunately that is the feel of many of my messages.

I also read, Vanquish, your comments about your girlfriend noting her poly relationship with you, or just being poly in general as it comes up in messages and texts and such over weeks or months chatting with people. And your point about advocating for poly in the flesh is an effective way to introduce people to the idea is true.

I'm curious. Does your girlfriend also let people know while having in person interactions? Does she meet the folks she's chatting with online in person eventually? I ask because I just do not have the patience to chat that long without meeting in person. I note in my profile that I'm not interested in online only, that I prefer to meet relatively quickly in person. I get bored messaging/texting without actual in person interaction. (Weeks and months would feel sooo long to me!) I've also had the experience of having a lovely connection with someone that fizzled immediately upon meeting in real life. The physical connection was just not there. Anyway, I was wondering about the differences in how your girlfriend approaches things and how I handle similar situations. Might be generational too, as you noted, I'm much closer in age to you than her.
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