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Old 04-08-2014, 12:40 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
2) I generally end a relationship when I realize that there is a fundamental incompatibility. When I realize that they have a trait or a need that will always cause harm. Or vice-versa - if I have a need that is fundamentally incompatible with what they need. My first poly relationship wanted me to be exclusive to her and she refused to negotiate or talk about it, so I ended the relationship. She was devastated and convinced all her friends that I was evil and manipulative. After that there was no looking back.
This is what I was looking for. No right or wrong, just how you handle the situation. Thank you for your story

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I can sit here and tell you what to do, if that's really what you want,
No that is not what I'm asking. I just want to hear other peoples experiences, so that I don't need to make all the mistakes myself. I don't know about you, but I do know how to learn from other peoples lives. Even something that works for you might give me an insight of what is never going to work for me. I'm not looking to imitate anyone elses life decisions. but I also don't think that I'm the source of eternal wisdom and the one who has all the answers to everything. This is why I'm interested in other peoples experiences, the better understand my decisions and the choices I could make in the future.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Careful about things like "ask/tell." Which one is it?
Both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
The only time I "tell" Gralson to do something is when I've "asked" him to do something else, and I perceive that he's feeling obliged to agree even though it's not what he'd like to do. Then I "tell" him not to dare do what I "asked," because we'll both pay for it, and I don't want that. And when do I let someone "tell" me to do something? When it's my employer and not doing it would cost me my job. I don't date people who tell me what to do. So in that context, never. At all. Period.
I like your example Although I'm not sure I would tell anyone do anything in that context. I've been in relationships where it was my job to protect the other person from letting me hurt them, because they where unable to communicate their needs and wants and boundaries. They just wanted to please and please and please. I will not be responsible for keeping someones boundaries for them. I have enough work with my own boundaries.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
A hurt-free intro to poly living would be quit a feat to accomplish. I know my early years in a poly unit were rife with pain (in spite of the good times which did exist), and just about every poly story I've heard so far also starts out that way. Since most people are programmed to think exclusively in monogamous terms, since even monogamous relationships tend to be challenging at first, and since polyamory makes the situation more complex by adding more people, a hefty learning curve with many growing pains is rather to be expected. It tends to take years for people to learn how to practice polyamory relatively (and completely? forget about it) smoothly and pain-free.
This makes me think how to undo that monogamous programming? Should it be done before one enters a poly relationship? Would it be possible? Or is it just something one needs to go through as it is happening?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Okay, so let's say your question is: "Look, I know all that. What I want to know is how to work through the difficulties without anyone getting hurt in spite of all that. And why isn't that information already easy to find on a forum like this?"

Then, my answer is this: "As far as I can tell, that information is unknown. In fact, we don't even know if such information can exist (in this world). How do I expose myself to the Sun without heating up? How do I visit a neighboring star after lunch and still get back in time for dinner? These are questions that may not have answers, and if they do have answers, I don't know of anyone who has discovered those answers yet. Nay, not even on a forum like this."
Yes. This is my question And I really would like to work toward an answer or several different answers. It may be that the answer is unknow, but it does not mean there isn't one. And considering that at least here where I live, poly is becoming more and more known and so many people are trying it. I feel this is a very important thing for all those (us) new to poly to have access to as they stumble along.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Most polyamorists have observed that plentiful, expert communication seems to hold the key to avoiding quite a bit of unnecessary pain and drama. Who knows how good one can become at communication? It seems reasonable to assume that the better the communication, the smaller the amount of pain one will have to endure.
Ok, so it comes back to communication. It seems like this is the cornerstone of polyamory. Maybe there is no answer beyond that. Then it would mean one has to learn to be honest with oneself first and then honest with others. It would mean that the goals of communication are understanding and respecting each other. but this then leads me to wonder how do you know that you have understood someone correctly or that you have been understood correctly? Respect or lack thereof is easier to notice, I think. or is it? (I'm full of questions )

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
In broad terms, dishonesty and inconsiderateness are the two main types of red flag that seem to appear the most often and need the most watching.
Well, they certainly are for me :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I hope so. What do you think you'd do different the next time around?
I'm still busy congratulating me for sticking with my decision of ending the relationship if my boundaries are not respected. But to protect myself from lies… I suppose I need to talk about my stuff more openly. It seems like a good way to hear if things are not what they seem. I also think being open leaves no room for emotional abuse of any kind. I have nothing to be ashamed of, but if i don't talk about what happens in my life, I'm alone with everything, and there's a good chance I'll miss warning singns then.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I presume you would much prefer information that is universal and concrete. Like the laws of physics.
Actually no. I really would like to hear very concrete examples from peoples lives. This is how my brain works. I understand abstract things by having enough examples on them. I don't understand them from universal explanations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Just invest a reasonable amount of time into learning how to do better, and spend the balance of your time enjoying the little things. Such is my advice, anyway.
It's a good advice and I'm trying

Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Lots and lots of ways to figure out how you might cope and situations that allow for learning of skills that would make for easier, more successful poly relationships.
Thank you for your examples. They really got me thinking. Nothing new really, but it showed me the importance of working with my frienship issues first.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
If you simply weren't lucky enough to be born/raised as the kind of person who doesn't struggle in relationships, then it's inevitable that exploring poly relationships will be accompanied by a bit of hurt. In that case, it's probably more productive to come up with strategies for dealing with that hurt, coping with it without limiting other people's lives. Finding strategies for avoiding the hurt all together is basically going to be impossible for you if you're just not wired that way.
This is a very good point. Such an obvious one, and I hadn't thought about it. Not like this at least.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
There is often a big discrepancy in one's logic and emotions. You probably thought you were ready because logically you understood the concept / philosophy. However, our emotions can surprise us. It takes them an inordinately long time to catch up with our logic. And here's the rub, unless you immerse yourself in the experience, your emotions will never catch up. Sucks, I know.
And this one nicely brings the conversation back to how to fail well I mean, you are saying "just do it, or you'll never learn". It is true, of course, and I think now I have a better understanding of how it can be done ethically.

- know yourself
- communicate
- respect others
- don't let others treat you badly.

Did I miss something?
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