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Old 04-08-2014, 03:12 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Gralson really struggles to get into subspace with me. Our relationship just isn't "like that." We're more compassionate and loving, less "I'm going to use your body for my own pleasures, bitch!" He likes that sort of play, just not with me, nor I with him.
All due respect, but if that's what you're equating a D/s relationship with I'm not sure you've educated yourself in the lifestyle very much. BDSM relationships are, at their core, compassionate and loving, not antithetical to that, as your comment suggests you think it is. Yes, degradation, humiliation, servitude and all different manners of play have their rough side, but all in order to serve a healthy relationship.

I'm not trying to make this personal, really. It's just that the misconception above is something that we fight against all the time and I just can't pass it by.

I do like what Opal had to say. Being a supportive to someone in his situation is like being in a relay race as their partner. You can and should assure them, but at a point it's their job to take the baton and work on themselves.
SC also makes a good point that there's much more uncovering of what he needs to feel right again.

Putting myself in his shoes, he's probably thinking if he were into spanking he'd be getting:
  1. more of your time (meaning he needs more)
  2. all of your time (which would point to him not being comfortable with polyamory)
  3. more passion from you in the bedroom (whether there's a real deficiency or only a perceived one)
  4. a feeling that he fulfills your needs and fantasies

And that's just the beginning of what it could be. Spend time with him talking it out, but don't get drawn into wallowing with him. Let him his share of the work and then use those realizations to come to a closer consensus.
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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