Originally Posted by stevie
- How can I reassure Pink that legal marriage to someone else won’t change how I feel about her?
- How can I make her feel like an equal partner if I go sign a binding legal document with someone else?
- How is there any solution to this problem, ever, for anyone with more than one eligible, life-entangled partner? If I want to get married at all, ever, I'd have to choose...
-Is there a third option here that I’m not seeing?
I may not have the advice you're looking for, but I feel I probably ought to weigh in anyway...
I've already had this discussion with my partner - that if he marries my metamour, it would be a game-changer for our relationship, if not a deal-breaker (and we're in our 40s, two of us with children, and no real impending need to be married on the horizon - I still felt compelled to have this talk, since it could mean big changes).
I do understand that it wouldn't change the way he feels about me. I'm confident in our relationship as it stands. But right now, my metamour and I stand as equals... sort of co-primaries if you will, although we don't really use the term. Anyone getting married shifts the balance of power, even if nobody uses it. I don't want to have to trust Xena not to pull the "wife" card. I don't want to put myself in a position where my relationship is beholden to someone else's good will, nor to put myself in a position where I'm the most easily expendable because it's just *harder* to break off a marriage if something goes horribly wrong.
Another, less important reason (but something that would be painful nonetheless) is that the people we care about have worried about Chops "having to choose" for a while now... or anticipating it. And this would just validate the "fact" that he was just biding his time until he "settled down" and picked one. It would show them that they were right in equating Poly to "casual dating".
Not the biggest reason, but it would add to the pile of suckage for me.
If it's a hard limit for her, you may never be able to get her to feel better about it. However, you need to have that conversation, especially if you're trying to figure out your future together. I hope a good working option comes up for the three of you.
Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).
Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk