Polyamory & Marriage - Need Advice
Hi all. This is my first post on these forums, but I decided to post here because I was really impressed with the community here, and how supportive and helpful I see people being. I am optimistic that I can get some good advice here. I have been feeling like I must be the only one in the world with this problem!
Bit of background: I am the hinge in a V relationship, we are all in our mid/late 20s and unmarried. I am female. I currently live with my partner (call him Blue) who I have been with for over 7 years. At the other end of the V is my other partner (call her Pink) who I have been with for 2.5 years. We are getting ready within a couple months for all three of us to move into a new place together. We are all three really excited about this move. Pink and Blue are close friends and engage in BDSM-type play with each other from time to time, but they aren't sexually or romantically involved with each other. All of us date outside the V, but none of us are currently involved in any life-entangled or primary-like relationships outside of the V.
So what's the problem, right? This sounds awesome, and it is. I am very lucky. Too lucky, maybe. As I said, we are all in our mid to late 20s, which is the prime time in life to be thinking about getting married...
Blue is a very important part of my life. I love him very much, and we've agreed that marriage makes a lot of sense for us right now. We trust each other completely, we are on the same page as far as having a minimalist courthouse wedding, our families would be thrilled, it makes financial sense in terms of saving a lot of tax dollars in our financial situation currently and for the foreseeable future. To make the matter more urgent, Blue will be losing access to health insurance soon. If we were married, I would be able to extend my very solid health benefits to him.
Pink is a very important part of my life. I love her very much, and while Pink and I have agreed that we are not ready for marriage to each other yet, it's something we'd both be open to after living together for a while. We have not discussed the details extensively, but we are certain that neither of our families would be at all pleased with our relationship, much less us getting gay married. In fact, in the state we live in, gay marriage is not an option, but we are all three intending to relocate to a state where it would be an option relatively soon for unrelated reasons.
To state my problem succinctly: If I marry Blue now, I close off the option of marrying Pink, ever. Pink also is afraid that marriage would carry with it an inherent hierarchy – that she would be forever less in my eyes. The fact is, she would definitely not be less in my eyes, but she would be forever less in the eyes of the law. I understand her concerns, I really do, but considering all the above facts… I think I want to marry Blue, and soon, so he won’t be without health insurance.
So, the questions I need answers to are:
- How could I put Pink’s feelings about a potential future marriage to me one day in the future over an immediate need of Blue’s, a need that I am able to and happy to fill?
- How can I reassure Pink that legal marriage to someone else won’t change how I feel about her?
- How can I make her feel like an equal partner if I go sign a binding legal document with someone else?
- How is there any solution to this problem, ever, for anyone with more than one eligible, life-entangled partner? If I want to get married at all, ever, I'd have to choose...
-Is there a third option here that I’m not seeing?
Last edited by stevie; 04-07-2014 at 08:10 PM.