One step forward - 10 steps back: the story of my life!
In the wake of Fridays "date" with my husbands GF - where I was feeling positive and at peace - things have rapidly gone down hill! The issue of her meeting our friends and family - which I am just not ready for right now and having a very difficult time accepting - has had me angsty and worried. She was very nice yesterday and sent me a text that said not to be angsty, that my husband loves me. I thought it was sweet - but the fears of her pushing to meet our friends and family still stayed with me. At one point, she said that her and I needed to set a date to work towards so that she's not pushing and I'm not dragging my feet. I cannot and will not put a date on my feelings. My husband knew that something was wrong last night - but I didn't want to burden or worry him so I told him that I wanted to work on the feelings myself - though I know I could talk to him about it anytime. I didn't want this to get blown up into some dramatic fight with him or her. I was trying to avoid a fight.
Well, that is exactly what happened today. I'm not going to say what led up to it - because it is irrelevant really, but she sent me a series of pretty pushy, disrespectful texts: "I AM in his life...a significant other in his life. I will know his family and friends. I am not asking to know your family and friends...only you can make it hard on [husband] transitioning me into his and your life. His [family member] should never had known I was his lover until you could be honest with who you are and what your lifestyle is. But that is not how it happened. That damage was done by your drama and [husband] feeling a need to explain your hysteria. I did not push for that to be revealed. I DO DESERVE to know his friends and family. As he deserves to be part of all that is good and bad in my life. I will wait for it to happen but make no mistakes it will happen. [Husband] and I both want to be bigger partrs in each others lives. That includes but is not exclusive to you."
I did not respond because as I said, I did not want to cause drama. Prior to receiving her texts, I was talking to my husband on the phone and told him some of the things that were bothering me the night before. He 100% agreed with me about the situation. He said that HE will decide when we introduce GF to our friends and family - and that he would ONLY do that when he knew I was completely ok with everything. He was not happy with her or me though he agreed with me. After hanging up with him, I received her texts. I sent him part of her text that I posted above and told him that that shows she has no respect for me as a person or as his wife. He sent an angry text to both her and I saying that he was furious with both of us: her for pushing the issue of meeting family and friends which he asked her not to do and at me for my "obvious attempts at controlling and limiting everything."
I sent him a text letting him know how upset I was - but I did not flip out, lose it, melt down or cry - a HUGE change for me!
A few minutes later - GF sent both him and I an angry, bitter, nasty, f-word filled text saying that she was mad that he was involved, that I involved him and that no wonder I don't have any friends and that she is done trying to be friends, for me to never contact her and that she was disappointed in his reaction. She COMPLETELY lost it. I sent her a text saying that I purposely did not respond to her earlier texts because they were hurtful and that I was not going to turn this into a dramatic thing. I told her that she underestimates and doesn't understand our marriage and that she can't expect me to not tell him things that are going on. If she is going to send me hurtful, nasty texts, of course I'm going to tell him just as she would if I did that. I did tell her that she was was "a selfish, hypocritical person with a nasty, bitter and hurtful heart" and that her mean texts to me prove that.
I have not heard from either of them the rest of the day and I don't plan to. For once, I did not cause this drama! I have kept my cool and like I said, I did not melt down, flip out or cry once over this. I'm done with bs drama. It might not seem like much - but I am very proud of myself. Now the chips will fall where they may. I don't know where things are going to go from here.
There has been a lot of talk on here about boundaries - and I feel that GF is very resentful that I need some boundaries right now. I never say never, but as the GF, she needs to understand that what they do does affect me. I am not ready right now for her to meet our friends and family - and she needs to respect that. She is very pushy and impatient and I am still very much wanting to take this slow so that I can get a handle on my emotions and work further towards acceptance and a friendship with her. I am not asking them to take their relationship slow - it is what it is and I understand that. However, this aspect of it does affect me greatly and she needs to be respectful and understanding of that. She's not. How can I respect someone who has no respect for me or my marriage? How can I become friends with someone like that?
Frustrating and sad. I feel bad for how this is going to affect my husband. No matter what - I will always be here for him - and he knows that.
Sorry for the long post - this has been a crazy day and I'm sure it isn't done yet.
Thank you for giving me a place to vent and to receive advice and support.