Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
From a position of comfort - I would prefer if my parents NOT think about the fact that Dude is dating a married woman because that might make them question (out-loud) the nature of his relationship with ME. So, the easiest answer, from my perspective, would be for TT to come along as Lotus's "friend" (actually, "gay roommate" would work PERFECTLY - and explain why they live together).
So it sounds like, when it comes to outness, what you value most are privacy, family harmony, and also avoiding social awkwardness and ostracism. Correct? These values are all totally fine.
However, relationships involve other people. Do your personal values also include fairness and egalitarianism? If so, then your preference to be closeted about your nonprimary relationships, at least in some contexts, can get ethically thorny if your nonprimary partner values acknowledgment of your shared relationship as an expression of respect.
So: If your closeting is not negotiable, and if you also believe other people matter as much as you do (and thus, that what your nonprimary partner wants in your shared relationship is as important as what you want in that relationship), how do you reconcile that, ethically?
That the thing about values and ethics: these concepts are meant to guide or choices in tough situations, not easy ones. I'm finding in that often when we examine how we actually make choices and behave in relationships points out that our functional values and ethics often are not quite what we believe or assume they are. Or that we're falling short of our ethics in some important ways. Which we all do, but how honest are we about that?