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Old 04-05-2014, 03:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
My husband is in his first relationship since we became poly. He isn't the best at communication and it's causing issues.
So I read this the first time and thought "ok.. some people suck at communicating.

However then you went on to explain some of your interactions. I wonder if he may not feel safe to communicate. If he knows something will set you off, one way or the other.. maybe he wants to avoid communicating. Communication, and people tend to forget this, involves two sides.

The giver and receiver. It is the givers responsibility to be clear and concise, and it is the receivers responsibility to accept the communication, listen and keep the incoming message safe.

If you have a history of arguing, or maybe you have different ways of reactions.. he may have learned behaviour he needs to break. You may also. You have to work towards creating a safe (whatever that means to the two of you) environment to communicate.

Part of that, is understanding that you don't control him. If he says he plans to go out, you can't immediately come up with reasons he can't go. All you can express is your needs. Which for the record mean you need a safe place to communicate

I think both of you need to clearly express your needs for your relationship, and for your "outside" relationships. Figure out timing that works and understand shit happens. Sometimes even the best laid plans don't work out.

I think you nailed the issue in the first sentence.. communication. I just wonder if the combination of you and him, communicate well. Not just putting the blame on him..

So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
To go down your list I would say you are over reacting.. however for the first point, I hate when people just swing by. Drives me nuts. I lead a busy life, I don't want friends, lovers, donkeys.. no one, just comes by without adequate notice.

He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.
Time management is a tough thing. What times work best for intimate time so everyones needs get met across the board. I assume you don't consider the time after 7pm "close" time. Comes home exhausted, goes to bed shortly after etc. This is common in poly, trying to arrange tradition 2 person life to add a 3rd. Sometimes leaves someone feeling like they suddenly don't get enough time. Its where enjoying oneself comes into play.. Being alone is a huge part of being poly.. unless everyone involved is I miss alone time

good luck
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