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Old 04-13-2010, 07:30 PM
noob noob is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58
Default "but why would you need to have sex with someone else? you must be so unhappy"

I'd rather not say who said this to me to protect the anonymity of my situation as much as possible. Suffice it to say it was someone close to me and not my husband and not my OSO.

I was "coming out" to her about my new relationship, and even more, about the idea that I might want to live in a poly way, even beyond this new relationship, whatever should come of it.

She totally gets why I want to talk to this other man, be very close with him, and why he gives me things I need, but cannot wrap her brain around any of that actually leading to (gasp!) sex or physical involvement. After all, I am married, have a child; it must mean my marriage sucks if I am contemplating sex with another man

I know this is untrue. My marriage is not going to fulfill me completely because of how I am wired, but it is a strong relationship; we have our problems, yes, but I love my husband very much and have no desire to leave him.

But my question is twofold: 1) How do I explain why limiting myself to "just friendship" won't work? and 2) How do I keep this type of thought (that my marriage must be bad) from seeping into my head and convincing me my marriage must be bad?

It's so seductive, I think, because it plays on such a familiar cultural truism: if you're fulfilled by one person, you won't look elsewhere; if you look elsewhere, you had the wrong person. Time to "trade up."

But I now know that script to be absolutely toxic, at least for me.

She also pulled out the giant, "But what about your KID?" card. And that I honestly don't get because my kid is a toddler, has no idea about sex or romantic love, and there's nothing to explain to her at this point except Mommy is going to visit a friend. Big deal.

But the idea that someone close to me thinks I might damaging my child is still a knife to the heart, even though I don't see how in the world I am...
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