Originally Posted by opalescent
You're a 6 and she's a 9? Huh?
Your wife sounds deep in the throes of New Relationship Energy (NRE). She's known this guy a while but actual in person sex is new. NRE can make one make dumb decisions. Search for NRE here - there a lot of threads about it.
And then bring it to her attention again.
Tell her what is happening from your point of view. Do so when you can be calm and collected. This is not the time to blame - that's counter productive and will just cause her to continue to be defensive. Tell her how this affects you - give specific examples - in a non-blaming, 'I feel' statements. Ask her to work with you to find ways to 'even' her out. Make it clear that you are fine with this arrangement and are not seeking a way to end her seeing him. And gently but firmly tell her how this is negatively impacting yoru relationship. If it is impacting other family members (do you have children?), describe that too. Make it clear you do not want to leave, and do not want to end her other relationship - but you need her help to cope with these changes.
It might take a while before she can confront this in herself. Patience and care will likely serve you well.
Has she cycled like this the entire 4 years they've been meeting? If this has been going on that long, there may be something more wrong than just ramped up NRE (long distance can extend how long NRE lasts - the usual estimate is 6 months to 2 years). That shades into obsession and some more concerning possibly mental concerns.
Actually as I am reading these posts I am starting to realise that this issue has more to do with her self esteem than her relationship with me, and maybe the best way I can support her is to help her with that.
However if she is not will to seek help or to take steps to work on her issues then there is little a third party (ie me ) can do.
I listen to Dan Savage and according to him is a partners cannot meet each others needs in the relationship, then it is time to change the relationship to make it work or immediately discontinue the relationship
On this surface this is good advice, however the practical application is a little different, My wife has been my best friend since I was 15 years old (I am 42 now) we have always been soul mates and have been through a lot of good time and hard times together, I can wait to grow old with her as my companion. But at the sametime I can't live in the eternal groundhog day where I have no influence to make things better.
I have tried looking for my own outside partner and have had some casual encounters but they are hollow and only meet one of my needs. I can't bring myself to look for something more long term because I only want to be with my wife.
I find it ironic that, I know 100% for sure, that on some level, the reason I chose my wife when I was a teenager was because I wanted someone who was a risk taker and sexaully adventurist and who would make sure our relationship was constantly evolving as we grew older.
lol be careful what you wish for.....
PS I have tries to seek professional advice on this matter in the past, however I am getting better advice her today than any of those sessions, thankyou.