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Old 04-04-2014, 11:43 AM
laerhk laerhk is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 23
Default All About Me...mostly me. And a little about others...

I'm C, aka Laerhk. 37, almost 38 years old. I've been married 6.5 years, with J for 10.5. We have 3 girls together, elementary and preschool ages.

I have spent the last 7.5 years coming to terms with being bi. In the meantime a close friend/ex from high school, W have remained close yet on-again/off-again emotionally. (since high school we both moved far away, into seperate states for different reasons). My husband J knew about our friendship (I had asked W to be my Man of Honor) but didnt realize how close W and I were. J didn't really pay any attention to anything the whole time we've been together.

This past year, everything has been brought to a head. Last April, I made the remark to my mom that I was done with my marriage, I just didn't care anymore. I was done trying--having conversations, mostly. We got along fine as long as I didn't ask for anything--help with housework/the kids, opinions and interests, personal thoughts. In August, I reconnected with W again via facebook (we were already friends, but going through off-again) due to a picture he had found of us and shared. Nostalgia kicked in. We started talking all the time, about everything. I was on cloud 9. I told J I was talking with W and didn't get any reaction until W came here to visit for a week, staying with us. After W left, J finally started to engage, though it did take a few more months and me scheduling marital counseling for us, asking for a divorce, etc.

W asked I choose, J is now a full partner...and we've been dealing with my emotions ever since. I want both. W has stopped all communication with me and I STILL want both. I couldn't figure out why choosing was so hard until I realized I didn't have to. They might not (probably NEVER) agree with it, but it's my only solution. Even if our relationship doesn't work out (and I have accepted it won't with W, and it hurts so much. Broken, bleeding heart all over the place) I have decided I can't go through something like this again. I can't turn off love for one, because it affects how I feel, act, and react to others I love and I become angry. I can't do that anymore. So now I'm working on explaining all of this to J so he understands what's going on in my head. I'm also trying to figure out what I want, what J will agree to (he found out I'm bi during all this and girls are okay--not thrilled, but is okay, guys are not), and whether or not we can make it work.

While we have his, hers, and sometimes ours counseling going on, we also (thankful!!) have a friend who is a doctorate of psychology that I talk with sometimes to sort out my feelings. She is the one who named what I was feeling--polyamory--so here I am, to learn, to listen. I'm really excited about this for me, concerned about what it may mean for my current relationship, but it can't get worse than it has been this winter. At least now, no matter what happens, the communication so far has been helpful though painful and difficult and I know J and I are both capable of continuing THAT at least.

Being here on this forum has already helped a lot: I know not to go looking for an elusive unicorn, even though I'm thinking it isn't just a HBB I'm looking for...
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