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Old 04-04-2014, 04:38 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
First time I felt disrespected was when he had his gf over and only told me minutes before she showed up. We did talk about the possibility of having significant others over but we never agreed to it. FYI I wasn't home. After she left, I briefly let him know that I wasn't okay with him not discussing it with me prior and making sure that I was okay with it. Since I didn't blow up and make a huge deal about it, he thought it was okay to have her over again with out talking to me, this time I blew up. It's not a huge deal, I just want to be included in what's going on.
Hmm. Normally I'd just say that it's his house too and he should have just as much use and enjoyment as you do, but two things seem a bit off. First, and maybe it's because I come from the South, but you give your family notice before company comes over. That's a no no. Second, this was the first time. A partner that understood that changing the relationship was a big deal would have tried to ease the transition. You do that with communication. Lots of communication.

You'll hear about NRE from a lot of people here and they're right. It can make people do silly things. They're all caught up in a new love/frienship/lust and they put blinders on.

Some of the more stern poly people around here might say that poly partners can have independent lives where there's very little communication as long as nobody gets harmed. IF that's what you want, great...but it needs to be decided beforehand.

Overall this wasn't great, but not something that should damage your relationship like a betrayal of trust.

Second time I was having a really bad day so he canceled his date with her willingly to stay with me, but he used our daughter as the excuse. By not telling her that he canceled to stay home and support me on a difficult day, I feel like he disrespected not only me but our marriage as well.
My opinion on this one is it's a non-issue. He gave the least amount of info possible and didn't make you the bad guy. His relationship with her and his reasons for not seeing her are between them if it doesn't directly impact you...and this didn't. I'm assuming she already knows about you, so it's not like he's hiding you.

The third time was after a long week of arguing, we finally had a nice after noon with out fighting. His gf invited him out last minute and he asked if he could go, I said no. It upset me that after a long week of fighting he didn't want to spend a nice evening/night with me. Well it turns out he was only trying to be "nice" he didn't care what my answer was he was going anyway. FYI he had made plans ahead of time to see her the next night as well.

He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.

Before these things happend I was happy for him and encouraged his relationship. Now, I'm really not supportive of it at all.
So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
All you can do, ultimately, is express your needs, listen to his, and the both of you accept as much of what the other wants as you can.

Applying that here, you told him what you wanted and he chose to make a different decision. When you're together explain why you felt how you did and maybe that will make an impression on him. Someone has suggested a schedule, try that, but don't be afraid to deviate from it.

One of the things any new polyamorist is going to have to learn, at least from my experience, is how to become more independent. Obviously if your personal needs mean you require more time, express that, but don't demand it.
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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