Yesterday, Shane and I drove to a secluded nude beach, the same stretch of beach where, over a year and a half ago, I first kissed Coco. I tried not to let that make me sad, not to compare the two experiences. Coco was my first relationship outside my marriage in 15 years. Looks-wise, she was my ideal, plus I kind of thought she was a soulmate. Fooling around with her on the beach filled my body with adrenaline. At times, I couldn't even breathe. I remember after I got home, I wept uncontrollably, because I knew my husband would be hurt that I was in love with someone else.
In contrast, I was perfectly calm making love for the first time, on the beach, with Shane (except when some people walked by and saw us, then I felt some adrenaline kick in!) Maybe now that I've had more experience with relationships outside my marriage I'm a bit desensitized. Maybe I'm so very physically tired right now from work that my body and my emotions are in low gear. I remind myself that the highs I experienced with Coco did not make up for the awful, heart-rending lows. I just worry I'll never fall so head-over-heels for anyone again.
On the bright side, I feel very comfortable talking to Shane, and very safe around him. With my last lover, Carey, who was overwhelmingly full of brio, I struggled to set boundaries, and I let him do things to me I didn't really enjoy. With Shane, I told him exactly what I want and don't want during sex, and that's exactly what I got. I really enjoyed him, and I look forward to being with him again.
I don't think he's suitable for more than friends-with-benefits. First of all, he admitted he's sleeping with 6 or 7 women in rotation (mostly in swinging-type situations.) That makes me feel not very special. He also said the only woman he's ever loved was his ex-wife, the ballerina. Still, Shane texts me nearly every day, calls or shows up when he says he's going to, and gives freely his time, energy, and money. He definitely enjoys my company and my conversation, and I get how badly he wants to do me every which way. At least it seems I'll be treated like a queen for as long as this thing lasts.
This afternoon I had to beg Arlo to help me around the house more. It's a conversation we have often. I'm working a lot right now, and I can't keep up with the housework and errands without getting overwhelmed. I try really hard not to nag him, but if I don't, he just does as little as possible. He says tonight he'll clean and go shopping while I'm at work. I hope this is another case of "ask and ye shall receive."
Early 40's female, bisexual. Transitioning out of a marriage to try to live a more authentic life.