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Old 04-03-2014, 12:46 AM
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Rhia Rhia is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Manitoba
Posts: 3

Thanks for the warm welcome replies.
A bit about myself: I am 48, married for 21+ years to husband, 49. We have one son, 18. Just over a year ago husband came out to me as gay. One evening he left me a note confronting me about a long-distance, email relationship that had become rather intimate and affectionate. I was feeling very guilty for my infidelity (yes, even though there was no physical contact and was online only, it was an affair and cheating). We talked and cried and I felt horrible, but he told me that I didn't need to feel so guilty. I couldn't understand why he would say that. It was then that he told me that he had been having sexual hook-ups with men for the past 15 years of our marriage, and he came out to me as gay (or as I have seen it put "one woman short of gay".) I had suspected his same sex attraction for a long time as I had come across his gay porn collection (magazines and online) before. Each time I had confronted him and asked him then if he was gay and it was denied. He had been denying it to himself since adolescence. And I had been denying the evidence. It was very much a "don't ask, don't tell" situation for both of us. We realized that this could not continue.

Long story short, we have had counselling, both individual and couple therapy. We are determined to make a go of this marriage as we both love each other and cannot imagine life without the other. But obviously as a woman, I cannot meet some of his sexual/emotional needs. So we have agreed to open our marriage so he can seek out a male Friend with Benefits/Closed Loop Relationship. My side is also open, so that if I want, I can seek a similar arrangement for myself. I have, with his blessing, kept up my online relationship after a brief break of several months after initial disclosure.

At this point I am still learning to deal with emotional aspects to all of this. I "get it" intellectually and we have the most rational conversations and discussions. My emotions, however, are going at a much slower pace and I experience emotional upheavals. It has been likened to a roller coaster ride and I say the metaphor is very apt. I have feelings of jealousy, and anger, and self-righteousness, and a host of others, but underneath it all is fear of being abandoned.

I look forward to reading past posts and others' life stories and contributing to discussions.
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