Thread: Slate article
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Old 04-03-2014, 12:04 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I believe the link is:

The rule of thumb I've always been able to use is if the link is poly-related and doesn't seem to be selling anything aggressively, I can post the link. If the mods send me a warning note due to this here post, I'll know that I need to modify my rule of thumb.

"Also most therapists in America will not work with secrets. Their attitude is, don't tell me anything I can't speak about with your partner. Either you end it or you tell your partner."
Hmmm, while I don't think it's the therapist's place to tell the spouse/partner, I do think that secret affairs have a tendency to either need to be admitted to, or at least to have some kind of timely exit strategy. I know the article is about cheating, but as polyamorists honesty is one of our top mantras.

I don't even protest the dishonesty per se of a secret affair, so much as I do the peril involved. If the cheated-on partner/spouse discovers the affair independently, there's going to be an explosive scene of trauma. I've heard many people say that it wasn't the affair that made them feel betrayed, it was the fact that their spouse/partner would hide it from them. I guess this is an endemic American problem? Do Europeans tend to assume more of a DADT dynamic in their partnerships/marriages?

But in all fairness:
Slate: "Would you ever recommend an affair?"
Perel: "No more than I would recommend cancer and yet a lot of people finally understand the value of life when they get sick."
Which summarizes Perel's perspective. She doesn't want to advocate cheating per se, she just wants to re-examine what it means and how we respond to it. Good interview overall.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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