So it's been a very long month or so, during which I've found myself on an emotional rollercoaster; much more ups and downs than I'm accustomed to. If caused by anything, it's the change of relationship status Jai and I have from friendship to more. Or rather, the suggestion thereof.
To have what I want, to be happy, to be in love -- in my experience, when these things come my way the universe is gearing up to kick my feet out from under me. So I get frightened and I want to run. I have run from relationships that might've given me happiness, in the past, because the risk felt too great.
And I've spent much of the last month in my own head, over analyzing. It has felt odd talking to my husband about my feelings for my boyfriend, but he's been fine with it and I needed a sounding board. He's been very encouraging.
I've not been out of communication with Jai. But he's in the process of moving out, and that's preoccupying. He's working full-time as well. We've been primarily communicating via FB messages; sometimes there's days between replies, other times it's outright chat. In a state of emotional uncertainty, I find I want the reassurance of a quicker reply -- if I write a lot and receive silence, I worry about having transgressed a boundary by accident. I also worry about being intrusive by writing too much.
Other times I've been perfectly fine regardless. Ups and downs, with occasional regaining of my equilibrium.
I feel much better now. Jai and I got together today, and we discussed much. We agreed we want to follow this through. He was concerned about hurting me because he is pulling up stakes and adopting a mobile lifestyle in a few months. A valid concern, but he believes he will be back to Spokane from time to time. He is not at present going that far -- he wants to explore Oregon. I think I -- and we -- can handle a long distance relationship if communication is maintained.
So we discussed that. We don't, after all, have to limit ourselves to Facebook, or even the Internet, though I do think that comes pretty naturally to us -- we met by chatting on his BBS, and developed our friendship in large part that way. There's the phone, and the postal system, and probably options I've yet to consider. Even if we choose to limit ourselves to FB and/or email, there's free wifi available almost everywhere, though it can sometimes require looking and asking.
As to speed of replies, he admits to not always being the best correspondent -- but also self-conscious of replying to me, not wanting to make mistakes in spelling or grammar. So he wants to take his time, and sometimes time gets away from him.
Knowing this helps, as does establishing that we are, indeed, moving this to a relationship status. Or a different relationship status. For numerous reasons my anxieties have calmed.
We discussed other things, did other things. A shorter visit than I hoped for, but satisfying on multiple levels.
After returning from Jai's, he and Liam had a nice chat together while I listened and tossed in the occasional comment. They seem to be developing camaraderie. It feels weird, but good.
Jai and I will probably not get together for another couple of weeks, and after that we're aiming to establish a routine of getting together at least every couple of weeks, even if all we do is have coffee and talk. I suspect by the time he leaves in July we'll determine a comfortable form of communication while he travels.
-- Kerry J. Renaissance
39 y/o female, married/bisexual/poly/pagan/disabled/fan
In a V with
- Liam, 52 y/o straight male (married, 14 years)
- Jai, 41 y/o bi male