Thread: At a loss
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Old 04-01-2014, 04:14 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
If I had a need to do work (I own my own business), or have some time to myself, I may need to take it and he would need to learn how to cope on his own sometimes. I was not always going to rescue him from how he was feeling. Our therapist confronted him about his being emotionally manipulative, and he really owned it and is working to change that. He just doesnt always realize he is doing it.
Do you have a method of handling when he is being emotionally manipulative and apparently doesn't realize it?

I'm really glad to hear that there is a therapist involved, certainly one who doesn't coddle their patients. Is it just couples therapy or are one or both of you seeking individual therapy? I am of the opinion that real personal growth with a therapist is more thorough when it's a one on one scenario.

Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
Also, BF comes to our home all the time. Most of our dates happen here, in the middle of the day while hubby is at work. Or I drive to BF's house. Sometimes we meet in the middle for lunch. So those details are not out of the ordinary for our life.
Keeping this in mind, does that mean that there is a lot of this emotional backlash from hubby? Or was this last day-visit irritating for some unique reason and the others are fine?

Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
And if anyone else had done that for me he would have been very happy for me. It was really all about the fact that BF was able to do it, and did.
I don't understand. He has some issue with your bf in particular? Because you guys have known each other so long?

Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
We instituted a schedule, mostly for my own sanity.
Schedules are of interest to me; I find them really helpful and really damaging depending on why they exist.

In my opinion schedules (for personal relationships) are helpful when there are more competing time constraints than can efficiently be handled without one. Husband, boyfriend, job, hobbies, friends... get enough conflicts and it can just be crazy to keep up with so it is put into schedule format to keep track and make sure everything has the time devoted to it you desire. I especially like shared calendars so if someone wants to see if I am available for whatever they can either just call me or check my calendar. One relationship I had the calendar editable to my girlfriend so that she could "claim" an evening with me (it's the only way to ensure that I don't double book).

That all makes sense to me.

The schedule that makes me raise an eyebrow is the one which also comes with behavior constraints. Like "I can text my boyfriend on his nights of the week". For me, this is a tall and vigorously waving red flag that someone is having me take action in service to their insecurity. I think that is a lousy reason to have a schedule, someone claiming my time for their own and deciding for me how I should behave while I'm on their dime. It's a slippery slope, allowing someone to dictate one of your behaviors.

I am speculating based on the little blurb you put up about the calendar, so correct me if I'm off base about some of this.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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