Thread: At a loss
View Single Post
Old 04-01-2014, 01:25 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,545

Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
He has made so much effort, has come so far from where we were when this all started, that it makes me feel as though I am just giving up on him. I dont want to be that person.
Guilt is pretty much never sound motivation for taking action (or inaction).

Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
Poly is hard. I could really use some support. How do I support him, when I feel so much like he is dragging me down and keeping me back? I have waited 17 years to have the poly life I wanted. I cant wait anymore.
Poly can be hard, but so can monogamy. I've had both kinds of relationships and some were very difficult while some were effortless. The emotional stress level of a relationship is due to the people involved, not the fact that you have one or two relationships at a time.

Personally I think you can support him by treating him like an adult. I don't know your back story but it sounds like you are coddling him and agreeing to rules which go against how you actually want to live. If you expect that you will ever be accepted for who you are without catching an emotional beat down then you may have to just stop taking said beat down. You are both grown people and if you feel that he is trying to put his emotional issues on you then don't allow it. As gently as you can I suggest you pry yourself away from taking on all of his issues. Surely he has a friend or a therapist he can vent to.

Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
I want to be the Real Me. And every time I open that door, he has to brace himself, and I close it again to spare him the pain and "go at his pace".
Are you under the impression that your coddling his feelings and "going at his pace" is doing some good? Is it helping foster a healthy and happy relationship with him?
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
Reply With Quote