So many thoughts going through my head tonight. I'm really not even sure how to start sorting things out.
J and I went to an out of town party last night. It was a high protocol BDSM house party and it was a lot of fun. We met some new people and I really enjoyed the atmosphere of the party.
He and I did a wax play scene and I was a bit taken aback, because unlike the way most of my bottoms react, he laughed uncontrollably through the scene- he told me it tickled. I know he is into heavy play but I hadn't realized his pain threshold would be that much higher than that of the bottoms I normally play with. I even took out my candles with a higher burn point and got barely a reaction from him. Honestly, a lot of people really enjoyed our scene- we had an appreciative audience. But I had really expected things to be different and I found that it made it difficult to get into my headspace. I think maybe if I had gone into it knowing he'd handle it differently it would have been okay, and fun in a different way, but neither of us knew- he hadn't done wax before and I'm used to bottoms who feel it as pain or at least intensity, and that fuels my Domme headspace. I found that in this circumstance it threw me off a bit and I just didn't get into that mental space when we played.
After thinking about it, I realize it's made a dent in my confidence. It's made me worry that we wouldn't be able to have a satisfactory BDSM relationship. I mean, wax is one of my favourite activities to indulge in. He is a total pain slut and I'm just not used to playing that hard. It's not that I'm opposed to it, but it breaks me out of my comfort zone and makes me feel uncomfortable because I know I'd have to walk that line of being safe a lot more closely than I'm used to doing. And yeah, I know it's all, I'm the Domme so I call the shots, but if the relationship isn't satisfactory on both ends then there's a problem. So it has made me worry that we won't be compatible if I can't enjoy my favourite kinks and play at a level that he'd enjoy too.
I told him that today- we had a conversation because he knew I was feeling out of sorts. He told me that he really enjoyed the protocol of the party, and he enjoyed our scene together very much even if it wasn't painful. I just don't know.
I'm also feeling some warm pleasure but mixed feelings about a conversation we had late last night when we cuddled up to go to bed together. He whispered in my ear "Can I tell you a secret?" "Yes." "I'm falling in love with you."
I know he'd sent that text before but hearing him say it brought it to a whole different level for me. I didn't say it in return but it sent those warm ripply feelings through me. This is what I've wanted for so long... is it right? I'm just worried that even if there were no problems with PIV that the BDSM issues are going to be more of a problem than I thought. Even though he reassured me, I feel like it's a problem if my play isn't doing what I want it to. I guess I need to think about it some more.
I noticed the other day that when we went out to dinner that I must really feel a high level of comfort with him already. I snagged a bite of his dinner without asking and didn't even think twice about it- not something I'd normally do. And I offered him a bite of my partially eaten sandwich to try and he did. Maybe it's just silly little things... but there's a lot of intimacy there and I really don't want to lose it.
: 32 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
Mark/StbxH, my husband of ten years, now separated with no desire of reconciliation.
Henry, 28yrs, my collared submissive, dating for 11 months and recently cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 39yrs, dating for a year. Married and has other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Last edited by Vicki82; 03-31-2014 at 02:40 AM.